so i see that
flourescent light
i left on and i think oh no its
morning
i dont want to get up im so tired i didnt sleep enough
because i was up chatting and not really doing homework but
when i came home i started reading
ulysses by
James Joyce
and only got through another page its
confusing
and my eyes are
aching because they havent been closed long enough
so mom yells for me to get up its
640 and
i know ive got home
work that needs to be done and
i havent done it oh well so the anxiety starts building
right after i wake up i try to get out of my water bed but
its not easy to do when im tired so thats a
struggle
i get up and my eyes are blurry
ive got my glasses on like always
but have a hard time seeing
and i know theres no
caffeine for me
to have but i start walking out of my room
into the hallway upstairs
the sun is starting to come up
i hate that i dont like the
sun
it reminds me that i have responsibility for the day
thats already here and
im in the hall and i start walking down the stairs
and i can
hear the tv from the kitchen
which is very close to the end of the stairs and
its
kevin newman or whatever that guys name is
on good morning america
the
quality of that show has steadily dropped
and kevin is saying something about an
earthquake
and rising
death toll and
i think oh no oh fucking god no
dont let it be
her
she has to live
no she cant be dead
oh shit what i am going to do without her
oh no oh no no no no
my heart is
racing and
now im really awake afraid terrified
im clutching the banister to hold myself up and he says
india
and i know shes
okay and the fear starts to ebb away
i wish there was a
god to thank that shes still alive but
god is a lie
oh shes still alive
i didnt lose her
im relieved that was so scary and my heart beat
drops back to normal and
i walk downstairs and try to scavenge some breakfast
out of a kitchen
full of food i hate
but shes alive thats all that matters
im in my
networking class its always
cold in school
cant they heat the damn thing
what are we paying money for
it seems the taxes disappear and dont get used they cant even heat the damn school properly
im lucky if its sixty five degrees in my classrooms
so im sitting at my usual spot in front of the network comp they have there
next to
chris hes a friend i like him his appearance is nerdy and overweight
i dont care hes funny and intelligent and
we tend to agree on things hes an atheist too
we think religious people are funny
so im sitting there and mr vandiepen hes the networking teacher
and young too he must be in his late twenties but he never treats us as equals
i hate
authority consistently
he tells us all to go down to the woods class room
thats where they have all the woodworking stuff
with
saws and things like that
we all walk down there and get in this really big room with all the equipment and
the smell reminds me of my grandfather because he always works with stuff like this for fun
thats how he spends most of his time
he must be lonely an old man with his own wood shop but
hes rigid and very old fashioned and doesnt ever show any
emotion
so this smell is making me think of that
i see what i think is one of the people that teaches this kind of class
at the far end of the room
there are big doors open
its a
dock with a concrete platform
a truck is outside it has a lot of wooden planks on it
we all walk over most of us arent prepared for the biting cold
were all freezing quickly hauling in the wood off the truck
its heavy and cuts my hands im so cold but i dont complain
nobody does were expected to just grin and
bear it and
do as were told so i make it look like its no big deal
it takes a while but eventually we finish and
everyone is so cold it hurts i look down at my hands theyve gotten dark black blue kind of color
because the circulation has stopped and i cant feel anything with them
theyre so stiff its scary
but we all get back to the warmer part of school and
my blood starts flowing and my blue hands remind me of her
because they are blue
which is her favorite color because its the
sky
which is life and cold because her right hand is cold
for a sad
reason my hand might be like that if i didnt meet her
my day is stressful and my eye lid doesnt stop twitching
its still twitching right now as i write this because
i cause stupid problems for myself
i hate responsibility ive got anxiety and stress all day because
my maths class is at the end of the day and i have a quiz
i know im going to flunk the material is easy but
i cant remember it trig precalc is always like that and
mrs
martina asks where my worksheet is
its worth twenty points
of course i know that
she doesnt need to tell me
im angry with myself too but i dont show it and
then i have to take the quiz
i dont remember any of this i cant remember the
specifics only the
generalities
thats why english classes are easier
because they dont test me on specifics as much
just
ideas which are much easier to remember
im really starting to hate maths
its always been so easy for me but now its not
i hate that im taking the quiz and i dont know how to solve most of the problems
so its mostly blank
shit
whats she going to think now i messed up again
the period ends but i have to stay there
everybody leaves except
me and her
we walk down to the maths office and i have to take another quiz
because im making up the work that i didnt do from last semester
back when i
didnt want to live because dying was easier
i just gave up because nobody knew me and
nobody cared for me
and i didnt have any friends
i just wanted to die every day
then i met
sym
and those kinds of feelings went away
i want to live now
but living is so hard
im taking this other quiz back in a little room thats connected to the maths office and
i dont know anything on this one either and
martina is going to know that i havent done what im supposed to be doing
im not trying hard enough or at all and shes going to get disappointed with me and
i dread her every day
i dont know anything on this quiz
so i guess on the ones that are multiple choice and leave the rest blank
i hand it in to her and
try to get away from there as fast as possible
i start
running down the hall
when they cant see me anymore
im just running away from problems and
pain
like always
this time im doing it physically
i race down to my locker
the empty halls of my school are
like the empty parts of me
the structure is there but isnt used at all
so i get into my locker after fumbling with the combination lock and
im putting the books into my back pack
theyre heavy i need two or three pages out of each of them but
i end up dragging the whole thousand pages of each because
theyre so big and
inefficient heavy
i get my coat and close the locker and
i start walking out of school i think the tough part of my day is over
im relieved everything from now on wont weigh me down
everything is okay
and i dont have to worry
i think about her constantly
all the time
she makes me
happy
and alive
i live in pain for her
she loves me
and i love her
and thats all that matters
its so cold outside
i hate that
i dont like winter id rather be too hot and
i run home to the apartment like always
because i know i can find happiness there by talking to her
she keeps me alive and we
know each other like nobody else does
we love each other
so i get into the apartment thinking about her
cold and breathing hard from running and
i take off my coat and the
dog races downstairs to bark at me until she knows its me and afterward she ignores me
dad comes down the stairs half way and tells me
that im not supposed to know this but mom called and
in three hours shes going to be dropping by
so we can go out to a restaurant and talk
about my future and what im doing and
responsibility
and i hate this
especially because she didnt just come out and tell me
it was secret
i hate it when she does that
so now i have this hanging over my head
i go get something to eat
finally
i havent eaten all day because i didnt have time this morning and
theres never anything good to eat at the house because she always buys what she wants and
im a picky eater she buys crap and everything has to be prepared
she never buys something you can eat without too much fuss
that annoys me and is why i always eat over at the apartment
because dad buys stuff that we both like
we have similar tastes
so im eating and turn on the tv and i see ive missed sailor moon but
i dont care
everything on toonami is a rerun except outlaw star but i always miss that
so i get on the computer while dragonball z is playing
that
show is stupid and
plotless and the fights arent even that good
so i get online apparently shes having problems with the school network
i go to
dk first of course like i always do to see whats going on at my online home
i like it there even though i barely know most of the people
they think im funny and i think they generally like me
so im accepted
im never accepted nobody sees the good parts of me except them and sym and chris
and a few other people
her
cast is off but for some reason im just not energetic
and we talk for a bit and im happy
she makes me happy
and warm and loved and i know its worth living for this
and for her
she needs to leave and we say goodbye
but really she never leaves
shes always in my mind
because i love her
she will
always be a part of me
mom comes over and i convince them that its not okay to be seen with them in a restaurant
i have a bad enough image already i dont need to make it worse
because i know kids will see me and i dont want to be embarrassed
i cant stand public humiliation i dont take risks of looking stupid
ive lost so much face before that i couldnt recover
but at least now in high school
the normal kids that wear abercrombie wont think im just another idiot like most of them are
because i only ever show myself when im sure i know what im doing
otherwise i try to hide
so i convince her and dad to just stop by the restaurant and get take out
instead of dragging me along
apparently this is supposed to be some kind of birthday celebration too but
that was days ago
and i didnt want anything from them
im already so indebted
that i dont want to take anymore than i usually do
i feel like a leech and i hate that
so we end up eating at the apartment and
we get into a heated
discussion and work out the goals i need to accomplish and the stuff i need to do
and shes always so repetitive
it drives me nuts and
i get angry with her very quickly because i just dont have any patience for somebody like that
shes a control freak
and dad recognizes that too so its better to
nod and smile and make her think youre paying attention
because she likes to spout inane and obvious and such incredibly simple logical information
its so annoying i hate her
eventually she leaves and things go back to normal
and i think about the
her
that means everything to me
the one i have to meet
and live with
and marry
i talk to symsay
for a while and of course i turn her face
red
like i always do
i seem to be fairly good at that
its lots of fun and
the closest i can get to her
but then her dad calls her and
kier and
avari and she leaves
a long time later she checks back and
i find out shes been watching a movie
with them and thats okay i dont mind waiting
a couple hours
i waited all day
whats a couple hours
i can stand it
and besides
i already talked to her before so i just concentrate on the recent memory of that and
its not so bad i tell myself
and shes coming back tonight so theres no need to worry
sleep drags heavily on me because i kept staying up late and
sometimes getting up real early the last couple of days
but i stay up for her
because shes worth it
even though i just want to crash
she
still hasnt shown up ill be patient
the movie must have already ended
but she never checked back in
maybe shes just busy doing something else
now its late and i know shes asleep
because she never stays up this late
ever
but i stay because im patient and
she might still be up and
i dont want to miss her
i waited all week for this
now its
530
and i know its pointless to wait any longer
it hurts that i got ditched for a movie
but she probably doesnt see it
that way
and i dont blame her
and she probably just forgot to come back to tell me that she was going to sleep
its not her fault
but i miss her
In retrospect, it's disgusting how whiny, obnoxious and petty I was at the time I wrote
this. I'm glad I grew out of that.