8:33 AM. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. I've been up for 12.5 hours now, waking up yesterday night after 16 hours of sleep. I didn't even do anything interesting that made me have to sleep for 16 hours, I just didn't feel like waking up. I had a moment that couldn't have happened if I woke up when the sun was still shining; I turned on my lights and my eyes had to adjust to the them. That's funny, that didn't happen the last few days when I woke up in the dead dark blue of dusk..
I've been up for 12.5 hours now wasting my life away in front of my computer. Tried to read GEB but like always, I skipped the complicated parts, half-assing my way into not understanding it. I always do that, I end up skipping parts I don't understand, I don't try to understand because I'm too lazy to sit at a desk and have a pen and a piece of paper to decipher what's being written. With my "school" books it's worse, because I'm too lazy to put my ass at my desk, I don't even begin learning. I'm fucked.
This is my life, and it's ending one minute at a time. I have the quote from Fight Club written on a piece of paper stuck on my wall, and it doesn't even provoke any sort of emotion anymore, I'm just half-assing into oblivion, until perhaps one day I will wake up and find myself having a lousy job and a lousy life that was over way back before. I know I have to change, but every few months I stand up and say "everything's going to be different now", and every few months, I am back saying the phrase again. I want to be motivated.
9 AM. It's raining outside, there are droplets on my window. There's a single bird perching on a leafless tree, I looked outside and saw a small black dog. It was on a leash, held by what looks like an old lady, in a pink raincoat, holding a green umbrella. It's miserably raining, why the hell would you walk your dog? Oh to be old and carefree. I once said to an acquaintance, "I want to die young, speeding off a cliff in a Ferarri.". "A borrowed Ferarri, maybe!" he said, mocking the idea that I could afford a Ferarri, perhaps correctly. I'm not sure if it was him or another guy who said that, but if it was him, he now is the boyfriend of a girl for whom I had a special place in my heart.
I want to die young, speeding off a cliff in a Ferarri. What an impossible dream. Another "friend" told me I look different to the way I look the first time she saw me, she said I now look paler and look as if I don't have any joy left in life. How right she was.
9:15 AM. Better go to the post office and send out my secret gift. I hope my e2 secret santa recipient likes what I got him.
This is my life, I don't particularly like it at the moment. Let's see how today is going to change it.