since i was a kid i've been plagued by
bad dreams. actually, when i was a kid i would sometimes act on the things in my dreams. these dreams, in my younger years, had prompted me to stab my sister with a fork, to kick a little girl down a hill, and various other things.
ALL MY LIFE. all my life i have had these dreams. at times they would get so bad that my only choice was to forgo
sleep. usually my bad dreams entail my own
death -- one recurring dream was being stuck in a room, in the opposite corner from the door watching the
fire coming closer and closer until i eventually burned. sometimes i would have dreams about people forcing me to watch them masturbate or of them actually raping me.
but the worst dreams are the ones where i
hurt and
kill other people, usually children. i hate admitting this. i worry about being locked up.
inevitably, after my
bad dreams i have pervasive thoughts running through my head for days afterwards, and during the nights following i have dreams of hurting myself. i cannot help but feel that my inside is black and
rotten and that i need to make ammends for it. it is difficult to describe these thoughts. it's not me actively thinking "i should"... it's more like a mental image that keeps playing over and over again (like seeing the same
commercial over and over). things like spraying myself in the face with oven cleaner, cutting my eyelids off, cutting off my nose, carving words into my thighs or burning my skin or hair off.
i think it warrants saying that i do not have any self-injurious habits. i do not intentionally cut or burn myself. this is an issue i had to watch my mother face. the closest thing to self-injury i have indulged has been cutting my hair off.
i can't talk to anyone about any of these things. i feel like it's eating me like
maggots from the inside out, but i can't tell anyone. no one has any idea how to respond. despite the fact that i live a moral life with malice toward none i am viewed as
crazy or
dangerous. despite having never shown self-injurious behaviours, people worry for my own safety. i just need to hear that i'm not a crazy monster. my worry, based on the reactions from trying to talk to people about this, is that i actually could be a
crazy monster.
i live a good life, i have nothing to complain about my circumstances. around the times when the dreams are at their worst i tend to get a bit distraught and stressed -- usually from lack of
sleep. it happens more often in winter times. i don't consider myself a depressed or unhappy person. i am succesful in my career and proud of my accomplishments. this is another reason why i feel i cannot bring these things up to anyone. i do not wish to flant my weaknesses. i feel like i have a fairly strong and put-together exterior. there are a lot of people who think highly of me. i do not want to tell them, otherwise they might start to see me as being
rotten on the inside too.
i would have tried using the
everyone account, except that those who know me would recognise it and those who don't know me don't matter. but here it is. my mental
emesis.