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funny, just now i felt like dancing in the street. i'm in one of those moods again, where nothing makes sense and you can't really do anything about it, and you're not quite self destructive, but still feeling like nothing you could do would have repercussions worse than the consequences of what you've already set yourself up for. know what i mean?

i was coming home from coffee and just as i parked, little red corvette came on the radio. i like that song. i turned off the car and let it play while i finished my cigarette. and i was looking at the street, with no cars on it and no headlights anywhere and the full moon lighting up the sky in spite of the streetlights whose beams are aimed the wrong direction. i felt like maybe someone who is about to kill herself (i'm not saying i am, not in any respect, ever), relishing the calm before the storm, lusting after a last dance before a slow fall into eternity. eerie feeling. i shut off the car and came inside.

all i ever wanted was to be good at something. if i could have that, it wouldn't matter what else i was. just to be extraordinary in some sense. probably everyone wants that. but i'm not. at best, i'm mediocre at whatever i attempt, and it's painful, particularly now with graduation looming and me all unsure that it will lead to any sort of security. i always feel like maybe, if i had time to explore what i have in myself that i can use, if i didn't find so many little meaningless things to bog myself down in, i'd be more accomplished in some area. and i'm jealous of trust fund babies who run off to europe and make art for a year, who get to do the starving artist boheme thing without ever actually facing the prospect of starvation. but that's a cop out. i could have gone to art school. instead i chose a field i thought i could manage just because i understand how to load drivers in windows. stupid.

i just want one thing i can do, one area where no one looks down on me or sees me as lacking competence. i doubt i'll ever discover it. at some point, i have to come to terms with the fact that i am essentially mundane. that i will never be a legend on anyone's lips.

i don't know what that has to do with prince.