Today is the first day of (hopefully), my last year in
undergraduate education.
Yearly milestones always depress the hell out of me. You look back at everything that's happened in the past 365 days, and find that nothing's changed, that everything is still the same. You remember your ideas for what would be different, the things you imagined one year ago. You fell far short.
Well, being 20 pounds lighter was definately in the plans last year...but I find it difficult to be proud of weight loss. So my pants are 3 sizes smaller--Big fucking deal. Just add something else to the things-we-think-might-make-us-happy-but-really-don't list.
I'm so glad that this is my last year. I'm ready to leave. This town is too small, I know too many people, I crave an anonymity that comes with leaving everyone you know and living in a place where you couldn't get to know half the population if you tried. I don't want people to know my face, my name, anything about me. I want to be able to reinvent myself, if I so choose. This persona that I created is getting old. I don't like her anymore. She's too honest, she laughs too much, she talks too much, she has no secrets. My skin is uncomfortable, so is my mind. My heart, it's empty.
I'm praying to whatever God is out there to make this year something I can live with. Because I know I can't live through another one like last year. I would say it was the worst year of my life, but it has to compete with the year before that, and that's like comparing apples and oranges. Each was set off by a seperate event...a place where I can look back and say right here, that's when things changed. Silently I accuse...you broke me.
I guess there's something positive I can say about the past few years...I have met a lot of really cool people. I love them to death. And I can't wait to leave them.