No one will deny that
drug abuse has reached
epidemic proportions in our country, but
everyone including parents and
government officials seem to be at a loss for the solution to
this problem. We've tried educational programs,
television commercials, and "get-tough"
policies, all of which have had virtually no effect upon the nation's drug use, but we
overlook the real problem: water, the ultimate
gateway drug.
Water, the street name for dihydrogen monoxide (sometimes called ice when in its "rock" form), is an insidious substance that has
addicted almost every man, woman, and child in the world. Dihydrogen monoxide has
addictive qualities more potent than those of heroin. When an addict tries to quit,
withdrawal symptoms include an incredible desire for the drug, called "thirst",
hallucinations, shaking of the extremities, and inevitably, death, making the addiction,
once rooted, impossible to recover from.
There are many dangerous substances that our society abuses, but the casual attitude with
which water is looked upon is what truly makes it sinister. The average American citizen
is first introduced to this drug before they've reached the age of one year, not by
pushers, but by their own parents who are supposed to love and care for their offspring
yet enslave them to a life of dangerous dependency. The habit is reinforced by the
institution of school, where machines dispense the drug on demand in the hallways. An
average dose of dihydrogen monoxide is 225 grams, and by adulthood, many users have
accommodated themselves to eight or more doses per day!
Addiction is not the only inherent danger of the drug. Pure dihydrogen monoxide is
colorless, odorless, and tasteless, but pure water is rarely available on the street. Much
of the "supply" is tainted with toxins, pollution, and even human waste. Impurities found
in street quality water can kill an unsuspecting addict. Those seeking a better "trip" may
shell out thousands of dollars a year for bottled dihydrogen monoxide marketed under brand
names such as Evian and Aquafina. Last but definitely not least, let us not forget this
simple fact: everyone who drinks water dies.
We will never solve our country's growing drug problem until we outlaw water and take a
good, hard look at the type of society that allows its infants to begin a life-long
addiction to one of the world's most deadly substances.