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all my friends are heroin addicts...

I've been contemplating what to call this, other ideas were things such as "one foot in the grave", or "blue is beautiful", but I've made my decision, and I'm sticking to it.

Upon having a discussion with me, one will become aware of the fact that I am patiently, almost eagerly, awaiting my own death. While it may sound morbid and depressing, I assure you my reasons are sound. However, this is not the venue for such a discussion.

Though I may indeed await death, that should not be interpreted as meaning I have a dislike of life. I would never throw away my life, and I would never knowingly do anything to shorten the amount of time I will have to live. Such is me.

"I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked..." - Allen Ginsberg

I feel now as if I know what he was talking about. I think the reasons I never quite understood precisely what he was referencing was due to the fact that my mind was never quite as clear, un-occluded, as it is now. I would never, and must never, return to my old habits. I do not like the person I was, and will do all that is within my means to make sure I do no return. Unfortunately, I am weak-willed, and prone to giving in to peer pressure, and combined with a seemingly unnatural curiosity, makes my task more difficult. If it means ostracizing myself, then so be it.

There are no harmless drugs. While the reasoning for their prohibition may be rooted in the horrible racism of nations, their continued illegality is for more medicinal reasons. Or maybe not, but that still does not justify their recreational use. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

From the DEA: "Marijuana contains known toxins and cancer-causing chemicals that are stored in fat cells of users for up to several months. Marijuana users experience the same health problems as tobacco smokers, such as bronchitis, emphysema, and bronchial asthma. Some of the effects of marijuana use also include increased heart rate, dryness of the mouth, reddening of the eyes, impaired motor skills and concentration, and frequent hunger. Extended use increases risk to the lungs and reproductive system, as well as suppression of the immune system. Occasionally, hallucinations, fantasies, and paranoia are reported.

Government sanctioned reports on the harmful nature of even one of the most "harmless" drugs. To allow cancer patients to smoke marijuana to relieve pain seems completely silly now. It's right up there with treating heroin addicts with a more addictive substance, such as morphine. It makes no sense.

All my friends are heroin addicts may be untrue, however, they are all recreational drug users. I can say with no amount of certainty how far that will go, and I can only hope it wont go far. Perhaps I never made my position clear enough, and my nostalgia impressed upon them the wrong ideas. I may fondly look back at my past, only as a stepping stone. A piece of the puzzle that makes me what I am now, and I am happy with who I am now. Perhaps they are as well. Now, whenever I am around them, I will have to wonder how clear they are thinking. I, on the other hand, am becoming more bitter every day.

It now occurs to me that their actions and statements are all results of their "terrible addiction". It makes me feel better to take the things they say, and make them said for the sake of jealousy. Much like how they take what I say. They take all my anti-drug sentiments to mean that I am jealous of them and their habits. I could imagine that they know I am right, and only lash out because of the inability to come to grips with that fact. These are all things which make me feel better, whether they are true or not.

now, I am outnumbered...

Many of my favorite celebrities were into it, in the same way my friends are. However, some of them are not. As it turns out, those who have remained relevant to this day, those who still continue to maintain the quality of their output, are "thinking straight". But I don't think it's a lack of clear examples which lead them to this point. I can't pretend to know how they got here, but I can speculate. If I had do so, I would say it's their own depression, their own lack of any meaningful output, lack of any methods of expression. I know this, because I know this. I may feel the same way, but the difference is that I refuse to use artificial stimulus to make myself feel better. I am free.

Have the best minds, in fact, been destroyed? They are staving, and naked, but they are not hysterical. The madness remains the only way to tell. But how does one gauge madness? I fear they have been swallowed by their own apathy. I fear that they are comfortable, and as such, unwilling to explore new avenues. I would wager that they will never stray too far from themselves.

I must remember, that I went through this too. Is it wrong of me to judge them for making the same mistakes that I, myself, made? Perhaps they too will realize their faults, and re-asses themselves. Should I afford them the leniency to do so? How far should said leniency extend in the first place? Perhaps by allowing it them, they will emerge, much as I am now. Either way, I hate to see them like they are now. They remind me so much of my former self that it disgusts me.