Jesse and I are in a "really good" period in the
timeline that is us. I am home now which means that we can
hang out, and Im supposed to do that tomorrow night. A little while, I swore that I would never
talk to him again, let alone
see him. But Ive learned how
little my
promises mean when it comes to him.
Jesse and I both have significant others currently, which is a first in our relationship. Maybe this is the only way that it can work. Im not actively pining over him anymore and I desperately want to remain faithful to the one Im with. But then I think about how I always will subconsciously want to be with Jesse and I start to cry. Jesse's best friend came up with a theory for why Jesse is always with someone else besides me, but he can never let me go. The girl Jesse is with is the most pure, innocent girl he could find (the fact that she is a bitch is besides the point), and he likes that part of her. But he also likes the "dirty part of me thats willing to go down on him at any given moment". Thats not true, and when he told me this it made me sad. But that's how he sees me. The only reason I did those things with him honestly was to make him see that I would do anything for him and that I loved him, and it ended up being the thing that prevented him from loving me.
I am fine when we are talking on the phone, I can joke around and reminisce about old times, bad or good, and it brings me back to the wonderful. But then I hang up the phone and I wonder why I ever try to by with anyone else when I know where my heart will always reluctantly be.
Everytime I talk to him, it breaks my heart. But not talking to him at all would break it even more.