On being fat

One night a couple of years ago, I was standing in a taxi queue outside Nottingham town hall after a heavy drinking session when two scantily clad women tried to push in front of myself and my friends. As our taxi arrived the two women tried a crafty manoeuvre to jump into the taxi before us. I'd seen it coming and blocked the way while my friends got into the taxi. Then something unexpected happened. One of the girls grabbed me by the arm, spun me around and yelled, "move your ass fatty!" I was in shock .I'd never been called fat before. Subconsciously I must've been thinking about it for a while - I'd put on weight in the first year of university mainly by drinking a lot of beer and eating a lot of bread and pasta (sorry Dr. Atkiens, I won't eat carbs again). I was certainly no porker - I'd been a thin-to-athletic build since my early teens - but now I did have love handles and a bit of a belly. The thing is - how did I let myself get like this? It's beyond me.

Hmmm..? What's all this got to do with this node you ask? Well, lately I've put on a bit more weight (sigh) and I'm not dealing with it too well. I tried the Dr. Atkiens diet last year and to my surprise I actually lost quite a bit of weight. Not surprisingly I put most of it back on over Christmas but I'm about to do it again. Why? Because being overweight sucks - not only does il ruin your self confidence (or dent it), but it also makes you physically uncomfortable.

Lets deal with the self conscious part shall we. Every day we're shown thousands of images of beautiful thin people either on TV, on your PC or in magazines. We're constantly bombarded with them. This helps reinforce the norm - and helps you remember you're not part of that happy-shiny-thin -people norm! When most people get dressed, they choose something they feel comfortable in. For me, choosing clothes is all about making me feel comfortable, but I know that everything I own will still make me look overweight. Usually I wear a dark t-shirt which helps conceal the shadows of my curves. Of course it doesn't really, but if I believe it does for long enough, I can start to feel comfortable. But don't think by comfortable I mean like you usually do. I mean not thinking about my weight every minute, every second - every time I bend over or stand up (feel those rolls of fat press together) - every time I sit on a seat - every time I run for a train, a bus or a taxi. You think I'm exaggerating? This is what it's like to be over weight and self conscious my friend. Oh, and don't even think about eating in public!

But that's not the whole story - being overweight is damn uncomfortable. The top of your trousers digging in to the underneath of your belly is a particularly unpleasant feeling. Combined with always being a few degrees hotter them everyone else (the extra insulation?), this makes you sweat. And when you already feel uncomfortable - trying not to show it - you sweat even more. Couple this with the fact that you don't want to be looked at so you walk quicker than most, you're sweating quite a bit and breathing like you've got a cactus shoved down your throat. It's a horrible feeling close to a panic attack.

To some of you reading this it probably all sounds unbelievable or just plain crazy. For others though, like me, this is our way of life. And before you start with that ''eat less" or "don't eat so much junk" crap, let me tell you that I rarely eat more than two meals a day. I don't have overly large portions, and I don't eat lots of junk food. My problem, it seems, is that I don't get enough exercise. My job is very demanding but doesn't require me to leave my desk - I'm a coder so I'm pretty much sat at my desk from 9am to 5pm (curse my profession). And, as the Dr. Atkiens diet has proven, I have a particularly bad metabolism and perhaps an allergy to wheat.

The worst part by far is the opposite sex. It is, at the end of the day, them who make you uncomfortable. I mean (usually) that's who you're out to impress, isn't it. If you're above a certain size (I'm thinking anyone who's got anything more than a little bump for a stomach) then you're gonna find it hard to make any impression. Shame, because most of the guys who're described as "cuddly" (not by me! lol) are actually pretty nice guys. I can think of one guy who's a bit "chubby" but he's cool - couldn't fault him - but he's been single for years. Crying shame. But anyway, my rant (damn I abuse these daylogs! :) must come to an end (as I write the last part of this two days after I started it!).