Some days approach me like
slowing down cars. I hope they'd pass me by quickly like the others before them, but they slow down ... they take longer. And too much
noise in my head starts to scare me on such days.
I scan through my phone book, sometimes manually, sometimes mentally, and try to locate someone I can call and talk to. At times I call Vrinda to talk about her daughter; I self appointed myself her daughter's Godfather when she was born although I don't even know very clearly what a Godfather is besides being a novel and a 3 part movie.
Some nights I call back home and talk to my mother about Mowgli, my pet canine. I remind her to take him for his vaccination when the time for that is near. My parents laugh at the fact that I keep more concerned about Mowgli than them.
Some days I have no one to call and talk to. Some other nights I don't want to speak at all because I'm afraid that'll make me cry ... and boys don't cry right? Grown up men - Never.
So I start to run, like Lola, like Forrest, I run like I'm running to save somone's life, like I'm trying to leave the time behind. I run like I'm running away from the dense memories that are trying to stick to my skin. And I run till I'm too tired to even stand up straight.
And there are times when I'm too drained of energy to be able to run. At times like these I do the next best thing - I drink. I drink alone and I drink enough. Not too much coz that'll knock me out. Not too less - that defeats the purpose. I drink enough to be able to go sit in the balcony of my apartment and talk to myself for some time.
But drinking is not a very good idea in a lot of situations; when I'm at work for example, or when I'm at a social gathering. I am not a smoker but at times like these, I choose to kiss a Cigarette...
Yeah; I know I'm not a very strong man. I give in to the easy ways out. I think I'm just too tired. I used to be very angry and stubborn ... but now I'm just very tired; all I want is peace. With God, with my circumstances, destiny, and my self. I want to be at peace. I want to sit with God on a park bench some evening and tell him that I've given up already, I've accepted that I do not steer my own life, he does. He can stop fighting with me now. All he's doing now is rubbing it in.
Some nights I put my headphones on and give into songs. I don't choose the sad songs as such; just that the best songs are the saddest ones by default. The best Ghazals are the most heart broken ones. The best pop-rock is of the sad kind; atleast as far as my type of songs go.
Time of your life ... Miss Blue ...
Porcelain ...
Space and time ...
These are the shoulders I choose to cry on; the ears I choose to fill with so many words, the friends I hug when I'm lonely. They don't care what time of the day I call them, how long I gripe and whine. They always take my side even when I tell them that I'm probably more wrong than wronged.
They wipe my tears and put me to bed. The ever loving and faithful friends, they hold my hand till I go to sleep, then turn off the lights, kiss me goodnight and leave until the next time.