Good evening, America. Before I begin rambling off into the night, fueled only by a bad batch of
beef curry and a monstrous resentment for the
Republican Party, I would like to sincerely thank Cox
Public Access for giving me a few minutes tonight to respond to the mindless, quavering mass of soupy drivel that emerged this evening from the Right Honorable
George W. Bush's gaping maw of
mass destruction.
Tonight, our nation recovers from the opening of the most senseless Democratic race in modern history, in which a shell-shocked twig-crag who can hardly take his own overblown oratory seriously managed to barely defeat an ambulance-chasing glory hound with a goofy combover, the walking embodiment of Satanic arrogance and Yankee patrician indifference, and a flawed sister robot to Al Gore. If I took the liberal movement more seriously, I would probably be drowning my sorrows in Smirnoff and making plans to move to Costa Rica.
But here's the deal: the Democrats aren't dead. They're just, well, not really alive. That's all. They can relax when they realize that they're only running against George W. Bush, who's so full of shit that you can lay him down in a meadow, water him a little, and grow delicious vegetables within minutes. Clearly, this man should be buried and allowed to decompose in the loamy, earthworm-ridden topsoil of political obscurity. But instead, some geniuses at the Capitol decided that it would be a good idea to let him give a speech tonight.
You see, Dennis Hastert didn't have to let Bush go up to the podium. When that fat bastard in the aisle yelled "Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!" Hastert could have just said "Tell him we don't want any," and the situation would have been resolved very cleanly. Bush would go home and get some extra sleep, and the administration would be none the worse for public idiocy.
When I was asked to respond to the President's remarks, I first decided to ascertain what the President's remarks were. So I took notes. My notes read like this:
has goofy haircut
"Patriot Act will expire" -> Democrats clap. priceless!
military good. gays bad.
So in the end, I don't think there was much substance to the President's remarks. Hence, there will be no substance to my response, either. You see, I could have gotten up on that
rostrum and said any number of things that would have been just as meaningful as what Bush said. For instance:
Thank you, Mr. Speaker, members of Congress, special guests, and especially to you, God, 'cuz you're my man, dude. Oh yeah, and my fellow Americans, too.
In the past year, our nation has been priveleged—privileged, rather—to lead a new era of greatness. Films like Kill Bill: Volume 1 and the last Lord of the Rings adventure have once again proved that American directors and producers can kick ass and take names on any day of the week, and even on weekends if you pay them enough. The popularity of both Ann Coulter and Al Franken among readers has priven... proven... proved that Americans are subscribing to more diverse and radical views than ever before, paving the way for compassionate reactionaries like myself to rip shit up amid their squabblings. So people, the state of the Union is turgid, throbbing, and ready to burst with a new outpouring of badassery!
That said, I would like to thank all the surviving citizens of Iraq, who have joined my wife Mei-ling in the balcony up there. I hope their smell doesn't offend you too much. Also with us tonight is a true American hero, Charlton Heston, who personally taught me how to shoot Taliban soldiers in the bub-
Well, you get the point. All I'd have to do is throw in some crazy ideas about marriage and supporting the
Gestapoization of America, and I would have functionally the same speech as Bush. So, you see, Hastert should have just kept the dumb bastard out of the chamber altogether and spared us the pain.
America, here is what we need to do. First of all, we need to forcibly overthrow the Bu$h KKKabinet, and replace it with an appointed junta led by myself, Field Marshal Sekicho. We shall use the leaders of this disgraceful administration to polish our ceremonial armor and clean our gilded toilets with their tongues. And then, we shall march victorious through the streets of Washington, unimpeded, laughing at the stupidity of the rulers who sought to deceive us about uranium in Niger.
The time is ripe, comrades, and we call for you to rise up tonight and sow the seeds of sekicho across this great land, for ourselves and for our posterity and for our corporate sponsors. Allah-u Akbar. Thank you.
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