Oh, how bile rose in my throat when reading the oh-so-politically correct title of this node.

Whatever happened to merely allowing things between two mature people to take their course? Buddhists like myself believe that life is written in a book and cannot be changed, so we must therefore embrace each precious moment and enjoy it to its fullest. Conversely, if you're having a spat, do whatever you can to talk it out like responsible adults, and accept the fact that he/she may indeed not be the one you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

Perhaps those of you who're wondering what the hell I mean by "take their course" need intelligencing.

There was a time when milestones in a relationship included:

  • The couple's first sexual encounter, closely followed by (oh, you fucking prudes, get over it; shit happens):
     
  • A gift of significance given to the young woman by the young man (it can work backwards these days, thanks to feminism)
     
  • The thrill of the "plateau;" a relationship unfettered by tradition no matter how often parents/relatives poke at the two persons involved in the relationship demanding to know when they're going to 'get serious,' 'hook up and have some kids/grandchildren' — or the more overt version: 'when're you gonna get married.'
     
  • The telling of those who'd like to know when you're going to "tie the knot" to fuck off and if they insist on involving themselves in other's intimacies to write a letter to Dear Abby or Ann Landers or whatever other hand-wringer gets published in the local propaganda sheet.

If any, I repeat, any of the preceding are contingent upon a discussion of "determining your relationship" I'm afraid you're just friends and there's precious little chance that your relationship will, in a one-, two- or three-hour conversation suddenly morph into an engagement. It is the ultimate act of un-chivalry (hey! I just coined a word!) to have a deep discussion about a relationship prior to ending up with man (or woman) on bended knee offering an exorbitantly expensive article of jewellry to their beloved and then (by the way) asking for a lifetime commitment to love, cherish in sickness and in health until death do you part. Or one of you kills the other one.

Such "engagement" commitment must be later consummated perhaps in the company of a small group of friends with a few precious vows uttered or in a cathedral with no fewer than three hundred souls in attendance. The three hundred souls in attendance part is only appropriate if someone (traditionally the father of the bride) feels like spending about $350 per person entertaining them at a party following the exchange of vows.

Let's face it — if there're doubts, any doubts, on the part of either party it just ain't gonna be a good idea to get married. Beside, you'll be really embarrassed having to return the toasters, blenders, crystal vases and other knick-knacks you've just been gifted with at your shower/stag. Which brings me to another topic I'd be doing us both a disservice not to mention:  I refuse to lower myself to giving any thought whatsoever to the current feminist-driven "Jack and Jill" shower merely because the idea of having a pre-party for the sole purpose of getting gifts prior to the wedding day is the 'progressive' thing to do. Suffice it to say that the guests at the wedding are typically obliged to part with a small envelope containing a check for far more than what the host of the reception has paid to have them take part in the festivities.

I guess what I'm saying is that in the name of all that's holy, we know that the women are gonna be giving the bride-to-be baby clothes and the guys are gonna want to act like drunken assholes sometime shortly prior to the wedding so that they get it out of their system by the time they don their rented formal wear and accompany their best buddy in the front row of the church and at the dais at the reception.

Let me finish with some bullet-points which demonstrate just how silly the idea of "determining one's relationship" is:

  • "Er, uh, I think we ought to get married" says the guy. Get on bended knee and ask her, you fool!
     
  • "I want a commitment." Commit yourself to an insane asylum, darling. If you can't trust him you ought not to marry him.
     
  • I ask you, how hard is it to pledge to live the remainder of your life with the guy/gal who makes your head spin and gives you goosebumps every time you touch them?
     
  • To repeat: let's get real — if there're doubts, any doubts, on the part of either party it just ain't gonna be a good idea to get married.

ADDENDUM: Okay, so you have doubts but you're a sex goddess and he's 98 years old and worth about a billion dollars. You go, girl! Think how much classier you can be than the late Anna Nicole Smith.