Given the recent criticism I received from a number of public groups about my
choice of nodes to promote in Lost Gems of Yesteryear, I pulled out all the
stops and called upon a few of my powerful and influential friends for
support. So take a moment of your time, I'll no longer bother you with my
powerless, plaintive pleas that you vote and Ching! my choices; I'll let some
people you're probably quite familiar with voice their opinions for your
perusal, on this the final day of the quest:
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
(Address deleted for privacy)
Chappaqua, New York 10514
Dear Paul:
It is with great interest that I read your nominations for the Lost Gems of Yesteryear quest on the interesting website Everything2.com.
I herewith tender my support for Boris Karloff, the delightful Normal is just a setting on a washing machine, and Love Your Enemies. All have
prosaic merit and are subjects upon which we both agree.
I tried to get Bill to look at them but he was indisposed re-reading a copy of It Takes A Village. It's part of his penance for his past transgressions
(if you know what I mean). His next task will be reading, and writing a
detailed report on the collected works of Maya Angelou.
In closing, do not hesitate to contact me in the event I can be of further assistance.
Sincerely,
Hillary
P.S. Do you think you can get Jim Gandolfini to help with my next commercial? We really like him but The William Morris Agency won't return my phone calls. Thanks in advance for your help!
H
Now, far be it from me to err on the side of invoking politics in any
discussion without offering an viewpoint from the other side of the political
spectrum:
CONDOLEEZA RICE
Secretary of State
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Paul:
Thank you for making me aware of the cultural cornucopia at
www.everything2.com.
It is not normally my policy to offer endorsements nor opinions on
matters not approved by the Cabinet. However, I will make an exception
in your case.
Boris Karloff was a fine, many-faceted actor. Any writing about his
contribution to American film deserves attention. Additionally, Normal
is just a setting on a washing machine is something everyone can garner
wisdom from. We, as a nation, are an amalgam of diverse cultures,
beliefs and races. Is there ever anything "normal" but for the constant
pestering given us here at the White House by the press? I did, however,
have a slight issue with Love Your Enemies, which in concept is
sound, but in practice must be set aside until we blast all of the
terrorist pagans in the middle east into little tiny pieces.
Would that I weren't so busy, I'd tell you what's been going on.
Maybe we'll catch each other at the Kennedy Center Honors again. Right
now I've got to polish the President's shoes before he goes to church
with Laura.
Sincerely,
Condi
And finally, an email from the most intrepid independent politician in
history:
FROM: (omitted for privacy)
TO: Paul.Lewis.06@asianfusion.net
SUBJECT: Re: Endorsement of your favorite writings on Everything2
Thank you for your recent message about a website that I find
refreshingly candid and progressive. Love Your Enemies is a delightful
discussion of a religious ideal, but I can't in good conscience tell you
that I follow that sage advice when it comes to the Military-Industrial
Complex, which has kept me from the presidency these many years. It's
time for a change, Paul. And the change must come from an educated
people. Normal is just a setting on a washing machine is a lovely
piece of work from such a young writer, as you've so informed me. But
remember, I'll not stop championing the cause of American consumers
until they can buy a washing machine that poses no hazards to them or
their families. A washing machine that doesn't break down all the time.
A washing machine that doesn't pollute the air we breathe or the
water we drink. Now, I haven't anything against Boris Karloff, but
it's sad that the piece on him didn't include the truth about the
Hollywood studio system and how it rapes artists of their integrity and
churns out pablum for the masses. They need to begin educating the
American people about a better way of life. I haven't the slightest idea
how they let Michael Moore distribute the enlightening films he's been
responsible for. You know, they're gonna do the same thing to him that
they did to Jack and Bobby.
In answer to your question, no, I don't think I'll be running in '08.
I'm getting older and am now completely disillusioned by what's been
going on in Washington and around the world. I've been thinking about
making an appointment with Jack Kevorkian. I feel like a dinosaur, Paul;
where are all the neat folks who used to support me and my causes? Well,
I'll tell you where they are. They're living a lifestyle they call the
"American Dream" while their SUVs use up precious reserves of oil,
pollute the air, and kill those who'd drive a more practical, hybrid
vehicle.
In closing, pass my words on to your friends. And say, the next time
you're in D.C. why not bring me some of that great stuff we smoked when
we were at Clinton's inauguration bash?
Best Regards,
Ralph Nader
So, folks, don't take it from me. Take it from the representative of the
political party you choose. Vote and Ching only the best and the brightest in
Lost Gems of Yesteryear!
Love,
shaogo