A clinical transcript from the new reality television program:
"TV Rehab — Your Favorite Small-Screen Stars Embark on a Program of Recovery."

JOLEEN

Now that we've established and met some of your other treatment goals, it's time to discuss things that will be helpful to you when you leave Betty Ford." You'll find that planning ahead is one of the best ways one can relieve the stress of daily life. Remember, life after treatment is about making healthy choices. So what better way to talk about choices and health than meal planning! My name is Joleen, and I'm a registered dietician. Today we're going to talk about creating a meal plan that is based on a healthy, complete diet. The first thing we'll talk about is where we go shopping for food. Now who'd like to start?

"GRANNY" from "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Shopping? Y'all gotta be pullin' my leg. All's I shop fer is hominy, coffee, and ..."

JOLEEN

(Interrupts) Well, Granny, how can you expect to prepare healthy meals for your family if you don't shop once in awhile?

GRANNY

Varmints.

JOLEEN

Excuse me?

GRANNY

Varmints. Got all kinds o' tasty little critters runnin 'round the back of the property. I jus' get my traps out and ketch 'em nice an' fresh-like; then I skins 'em an fires up the Bar-B-Cue an...

JOLEEN

(Gags.) Ah, I see. So Granny's pointed out a good source of protein. (Gags, retches.) Hmm. Maybe we should talk to Jane about how she prepares meals for the family.

"JANE" from "The Jetsons"

Well, George likes just about everything I make for him. If I make something he really doesn't care for, I just press another button on the electro-matic food preparator and get him something else.

JOLEEN

But shopping. What about shopping?

JANE

What about shopping? I shop for clothes; but, er... Oh, I see, food shopping. That's a thing that became passé in the early 21st century.

JOLEEN

Alright; let's move on. Norman, would you care to tell us what your plans are for preparing healthy meals for yourself?

"NORM" FROM 'Cheers'

You gotta help me with this one. They told me to stay away from bars. So where am I gonna pick up those little bags of chips and peanuts I eat?

JOLEEN

Well, chips are a healthy snack. Peanuts are a good source of healthy protein. But you'll have to think about buying things like milk, bread...

NORM

Oh, I got that all set. I don't need milk 'cause I won't be thirsty. And bread; why, don't you know that they call beer the "liquid bread of Germany?"

JOLEEN

(Frustratedly sighs and writes something in a notebook) Norm, now don't you know that you won't be having beer?

NORM

Yeah, I know. One day at a time. But I can always have a couple tomorrow...

JOLEEN

Let's move on. Mr. Spock, what do Vulcans keep in their cupboards, if you will?

"MR. SPOCK" FROM 'Star Trek'

I refuse to participate in this intercourse. I possess knowledge far more advanced than any human life-form and will not humble myself to the degree that I'm being asked. The mere fact that these humanoids need be instructed on self-care to the degree of finding life-sustaining nutrients proves the fact that my intellect surpasses theirs exponentially.

JOLEEN

Where was your superior intellect when police stopped your Corvette because you were weaving all over Santa Monica Boulevard doing about 90 miles per hour, never mind that your blood alcohol level was 0.21, Mr. Spock?

SPOCK

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that the answer may tend to incriminate me.

JOLEEN

Lucy, why don't you tell us - will you be using a list to remind you? Or will you just go to market and create your meal plan around what's on sale?

"LUCY RICARDO" FROM "I Love Lucy"

Oh, I'll just have Ethel help me. Ethel helps me do everything. And she keeps me company when Ricky's out at night leading the band. (Pauses - tears well up in her eyes) Awwwwwwwh! They wouldn't let me say this on television in the 1950s but I'm gonna say it now. Ricky's a fucking two-timing, cheating bastard. And he beats me. NOW YA WANNA KNOW WHY I DRINK GIN MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT, IT'S 'CAUSE OF THAT FUCKING SLIMY PUERTO RICAN!

JOLEEN

Lucy, now calm down. That's an issue for group therapy. This is a nutrition class. And Ricky's from Cuba, not Puerto Rico.

LUCY

(Sobs quietly to herself, mumbling obscenities punctuated with phrases like "jive-ass punk," "Spic," "Greaseball," and "Perez Prado wanna-be.")

JOLEEN

Would someone get Lucy a tissue? There, there, dear. It's gonna be okay. Remember, you can't change Ricky, you can just change yourself. Now then, Mr. McMahon, why don't you tell us what your nutritional plan will include.

ED McMAHON FROM "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson"

I hear vegetables are a good source of nutrition. So I'll start putting olives in my martinis from now on. But really, folks, talking about vegetables, I'd look at the poor farmers and I used to think that there wasn't any money in vegetables. Well Claus Von Bulow changed my mind about that! HA HA HA HA HA.

JOLEEN

(Now is becoming increasingly agitated. Her once patient demeanor is crumbling.) Ed, ED! What do you plan to eat when you get out of here!

ED McMAHON

Zha-Zha Gabor's pussy! HA HA HA HA!

NORM

Oh, that's funny. That's really, really funny!

"KRAMER" FROM 'Seinfeld'

(To NORM.) I thought that was wacky.

JOLEEN

Mr. Kramer, why don't you tell us some of the things you'll put on your grocery list so you get enough of the five food groups?

KRAMER

Let's see. I don't like supermarkets. I'll just order pizza delivery and tell 'em I want five different toppings. I hear Domino's has a deal.

JOLEEN

(Regains her composure.) Beside pizza. What else do you think you'll have in your pantry?

KRAMER

I don't know about pantry. Let's talk bedroom. I betcha I can nail Zha-Zha before McMahon does! I hear she hit a cop. I like an aggressive woman.

JOLEEN

Why don't we hear from one more of the ladies. Mary, why don't you tell us what you'll have on your shopping list?

"MARY RICHARDS" FROM 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show'

(Cluelessly.) Er, uh, I guess I'll just take the last donut from the coffee room, like I always did. You know, I don't really like to step on anyone's toes and (continues nauseatingly humble/cutesy rambling).

JOLEEN

(Assertively and in a deliberate fashion.) Mary. MARY! I want you to think, and think hard. Why don't you start by telling us what some of your favorite, nutritious foods are.

MARY RICHARDS

(Pregnant pause.) Er, uh, coffee, I guess. And brownies. Chocolate brownies...

"AL BUNDY" FROM 'Married... With Children'

I'll eat anything except the franks and beans we had for lunch (passes gas loudly).

"ROSEANNE" FROM 'Roseanne'

(Passes gas loudly). Yeah. That sucked. Anyone got a Twinkie?

JOLEEN

(Pulls a large pistol out of her handbag and shoots herself in the head.)

(Silence for over a minute)

LUCY

Oh... dear.

ROSEANNE

Shit. I'f I'd've thought a that think of the ratings I'd have gotten.


SciFiQuest 2107