Another contribution to the Masque
"Y'alright Sandy? Ready when you are." That's Geoff, celebrity guerilla DIY expert. He's just arrived at the Johnsons house to fix a toilet on film. It isn't too bad today, he's only 30 minutes late. The Johnsons were all starstruck from the second they opened the door. Now they're fetching him cups of tea and asking for his autograph while he gets his tools out of his bag. "Come on girl, you've forgotten some of the fittings. you need to be doing better than this."
I grit my teeth. I know it's a cliché, but stardom has changed him. When I first me him, he'd a charming and helpful handyman, a regular at my ex boyfriend's local pub. He'd always had time for his Sandy and Andrew, we were in there almost as much as he was. When the executive producer of a prime time Home Improvements show asked me to come up with a feature to get our audience more involved, perhaps something to generate revenue from premium rate phone competitions, I approached him. Jamie Oliver was high in everyone's mind at the time and I figured another genuine face couldn't hurt. The deal I proposed was that he would get a standard deal from the production company, he would bring tools and expertise, and I would bring a camera and together we would produce a Geoff's Guerilla DIY. It was actually really good deal for him. There was a fixed budget for the slot and the execs weren't too fussy how it was spent as long as we didn't go over. The only costs were his wages, my time and 2 rooms in a hotel near the shoot for a night.
"I'm ready." I say and start rolling. I know how to hold a camera, which is 1 less expense in the budget. I count down "5..4..3", sign 2 and 1 then point for his cue. At least he's good at talking when you want him to. "Hi and welcome to another edition of Geoff's Guerilla DIY. Today we're in Ashton with the Johnsons, trying to fix their toilet. Dave, tell us what's wrong." The father of the house launches in a detailed explanation while turned to the camera. Starting with how he discovered the problem, what he tried to do to fix it and how it affected his water bills. Geoff was doing his best to pay attention but was spending an awfully long time looking at Dave's eldest daughter. She was 23 and single, just his type. I noticed that he'd established this pretty soon after he arrived at the house.
Over the past of 2 years he's become more arrogant. He expected me to look after more of the details. It started with me going to buy some lengths of wood for some shelves when he was running late, then looking after his tools, and finally all he did was turn up at the shoot and collect his money. When I stopped acting like his slave he complained to the execs. They called me in and made it clear that the audience loved him and therefore it was his slot, he called the shots. They even went as far as naming him co-producer. I no longer had any control over him. He was careless now. We had recieved complaints from viewers that were in the business saying that he was doing things incorrectly. Just a couple of weeks ago we got a letter from somebody's solicitors saying that we were being sued for someones injury following his bad advice.
Dave finishes his monologue and Geoff takes a second to hear his cue. "OK Dave, I'll talk us through what I'm doing. First we take the lid off the cistern." He tries to lift the lid gently at first and when it come free he yanks it, putting his whole back into it. There's a loud crack and water starts gushing upward like a fountain. "But...but...I told you about the tape I'd used!" Dave blubbers. He puts his hands to his head and watches the water soak the carpet. To his credit, Geoff takes it all in his stride. "Now wate have we learned here?" He says while smiling at the camera, "Always make sure that you turn off the water supply using the valve behind the bowl before you start."
I get the feeling this shoot is going to be long and expensive.