My 26th
birthday... I just got back from a
camping trip which will be the source of much reflection. Those
reduced-inhibition games are dangerous! I know I have various
facets and
motives, some "
wholesome" and some not. I replay the drunken truth & question games of last night, and I am very embarrassed. I must have come off sounding like a
sarcastic,
arrogant,
ingenuine frat boy, who keeps a
little black book with girls' names and black marks to ennumerate my
self-worth. I was drunk and uninhibited, so maybe that is my dominant
personality? I try to fight it, but any blows to my
masculinity from a prospective
alpha will get me going, and it's
autopilot most of the way from there. I hate that
robot aspect of me, and I figure everyone else does too. One comfort I have for myself is poor foolish
Steppenwolf. I tell myself "It's folly to split the self and pick only two opposing aspects above all else. It cheapens and oversimplifies the self. There are a multitude of arbitrary divisions which can be made and presented at will, and there is always some number of correct choices which can be made, and put into play through various facets of the mind."
But my morbid nightmares in my tent last night showed me another side. After that, I certainly couldn't sleep. After some pacing, I came back to my tent and opened that "
Alphabet versus the Goddess" book arbitrarily, and read all about
Dionysis. In the
hyperbaric stillness of the tent, that really got me going! So today I was still figuring, and being a bit paranoid about what these
intelligent camping folks could think of me as we rafted down seven miles of spring water.