5:32 - woke up to sound of roommate getting home, using restroom.
6:10 - woke up again.
7:10 - woke up to my alarm clock, slowly began daily process of preparing self for the world.
7:45 - set to work on my pre-lab.
8:45 - having finished the pre-lab, began work on eating cereal and playing
Final Fantasy 8... a sort of mini-celebration in anticipation of finishing a successful week, as I rarely let myself do anything so
unproductive as play video games without social reason.
10:25 - friend showed up. noted that his account had been overdrawn, and he would now be charged a fee. questioned location of roommate, who had expressed interest in joining our
wake-n-bake. blew second hit his face, waking him up.
10:30 - roommate entered living room, slightly hungover, pissed that he forgot his alarm clock, and consequently missed work. took some hits. we suggested that he use recently broken car window as excuse. he asked if one of us would call his boss and report "an accident". were both too high already.
10:45 - roommate realized that his alarm clock was half an hour fast, that he could have been in time for work if had gotten ready and left right after waking up. we respond by playing
Tekken 3 for a while. i suck at it when high, he let me win fairly often.
11:40 - roommate asked if anyone wanted to drive to
Yuma with him, but we had classes and work respectively. he set to work finding someone to give him a ride to the rental car place.
11:50 - we left for choir, five minutes later than were planning.
12:05 - we arrived at the music building.
12:10 - entered rehearsal room, reasonably certain from bathroom check that eyes weren't red, faces weren't too goofy. i started singing along with group upon entering, glad to find had memorized first movement of our
mass.
12:15 - saw
her. smiled and turned away. too nervous for eye contact. she looked sad. i couldn't assess situation with any degree of certainty. quickly forgot to worry about it
12:40 - started to suspect was the source of all the problems in my section that the conductor stopped every 5 measures to point out. wasn't holding onto vowels long enough, was dragging out consonants, wasn't forming vowels correctly with mouth... as soon as realized was making each mistake, conductor stopped mentioning it. started to grasp what terrible idea smoking had been.
12:50 - as was letting class out, conductor said late arrivals had been increasing dramatically, and must cease.
12:51 - she left the room before i even remembered to think about it. friend was, as usual, maintaining full social form in spite of having smoked more than i. reflected on the fact that the more times i let her down by not acting on our eye contact, the worse things get for both of us.
13:10 - sitting alone in chinese restaurant, awaiting chemical redemption for self-induced mental pain, resolve once again to cut back on smoking. have realized in last 20 minutes that on most fundamental levels, smoking puts me in bad position to accomplish things i think are worthwhile. increases chances i'll engage in hedonistic excess, lowers chances dramatically for having meaningful interpersonal communication. slightly increases creativity, but not worth the cost. no short cuts. try to write thoughts down, put notebook away upon seeing people i know enter restaurant, ashamed of form and content of writings, and of projected mockery by them. they leave, thinking i haven't seen them, probably not wanting to have to talk to me (projection). write down "if you value the opinions of the closed-minded above your own, you're even dumber than they are." reflect on recent suggestions from numerous people to stop insulting myself so constantly. decide then and there to make productive use of time, devise script for talking to aforementioned girl when she gets out of 1pm class (which was next to my 1pm before I dropped it).
13:40 - on way to bike, realize i need a pen for 2pm lab. not enough time to go home (get pen) and go to her building and make it to lab on time. not on time to lab equals automatic points off. try to haul ass home with all possible speed.
13:55 - realize have been standing around house for five minutes not accomplishing anything. don't want to go to lab... had bad experience last week (also involving smoke). resolve to ditch, make it up next week, and go talk to girl. realize she's far away from class by now. ponder situation.
14:00 - begin practicing talking to her in front of mirror. can't even maintain eye contact with self or say 4 sentences without stuttering at first.
14:50 - mouth dry from talking, effects from THC almost entirely reduced to weariness. ride bike to campus, then up and down the mall, hoping to cross paths with her (as used to happen so very often before we caught each others' eyes)
16:50 - grow weary of loop, stop to rest for a few.
17:15 - finish reading second chapter of
James Clavell's
King Rat. pack up and start riding home
17:25 - stop at computer lab "just to check email real quick"
18:22 - (Don't display in "New Writeups").
Create it as a: Idea