Sometimes, failures between people don't happen necessarily because of what one or the other did, but rather
because of a fundamental difference, or misunderstanding, between them. It's easy to reduce things to a matter of
actions, simple cause and effect, but that approach leaves something to be desired. Watching the same mistake happen
over and over again is easy to do, each time attributing what happened to a certain event occurring and a certain
event following. However, the important part is why that event is occurring in the first place. It's pointless to try
and stop the event from occurring, when it is only destined to happen again unless the fundamental flaw in the system
is corrected.
In this case, the fundamental flaw is that she isn't
capable of being fully in love. She isn't
capable of having an undivided interest in someone, as her actions time and time again show. She isn't capable
of being who it is I want her to be, and I can try over and over to make her change her actions, but the underlying
problem is
who she is.
It used to bother me that she claimed to be in love with him, but couldn't stop herself from sleeping with me.
Whatever it is that
love means to her, I don't think I want any of. I wouldn't want her loving me like that. Maybe
it is best to let a thing, not necessarily a
good thing, but just a
thing, be. I'm being used, I'm using her,
but we all have a purpose in this life. I don't want her to be mine anymore, because I now see that that isn't
something she is capable of
being. If I push too hard, I might break her.
I'm trying to treat the symptoms here, and not the problem. A
cat is a cat, an
apple is an apple, and Laura is
Laura, as broken as anyone else. I can't change that. It took a lot of really, really good blotter acid to finally
understand her. Maybe that's how fucked up we both are.
I write these words so they may be
set free, perhaps by freeing them they will become reality.