Movie synopsis: "28 Days Later" in a house, but funny.
Psychological scare factor: 3/10
"Shocker" scare factor: 7/10
Zombie originality factor: 4/10
Environment Believability: 8/10
Character Believability: 3/10
Overall scariness: 3.5/10*
*(NOTE: "shocker" scare factor does not affect the cumulative scariness of a film, as the discerning viewer will be progressively less shocked with each scare, until it has reached the floor value of the psychological scare factor. That is to say, no movie can be significantly scarier than the lowest of its psych/shock scare factors.)
Warning: Spoilers follow. You have been warned.
This movie disappointed me severely. To start with, I knew it was ragebies as soon as the old lady started foaming at the mouth. Literally, I called it in the first 10 minutes. However, it didn't amount to much, as they quickly allude to a sick dog (!) and we then learn that a vet is in the building (!). Within 30 minutes, it's clear that the characters are being affected by some form of hyper rabies. This was a strange choice, because usually movies like this will establish what the Scary Thing is right off the bat, or won't tell you until the very end (if they tell you at all). Instead, it feels like they're ramping up to the eventual discovery, only to prematurely ejaculate one third of the way in. "Oops!"
The characters are sometimes stupendously stupid. Even after it's abundantly clear that people who foam at the mouth eventually go berserk and bite people, normally cogent men and women put down their pistols and assault rifles so they can extend helping hands or turn their backs. The zombies are scary, but are clearly vapid throwbacks to the rage-freak apparitions of 28 Days Later. This movie might actually have been billed better as a comedy--there's a delightful Aliens homage towards the end, and I'm fairly certain that it becomes self-satiring when the cameraman bludgeons a zombie to death with the lens (!) of his camera, covering it in blood as the viewers are repeatedly rocketed into the increasingly shapeless forehead of the hapless rabid monster. "HIT 'EM AGAIN!" The scrupulous viewer would claim that the cameraman starts sobbing as he wipes the blood off, but I'm pretty sure he was trying not to burst out laughing. I sure was.
The movie draws to an eventual climax (?) of the hot protagonist and her stoic cameraman venturing into the house's attic, where they find Gollum, who is apparently from Boston and has been brewing an Armageddon virus. After he stumbles around and scratches his ass for a while, the newswoman can't take his gurgly noises anymore and squeaks, which causes Gollum to pummel the cameraman to death and eat him. Then she makes another noise, so he takes a break to pummel and eat her, too. The end.
There is very little "WTF" psycho-thriller content in this movie--mostly it's creepy almost-human pale faces being flashed in front of the camera while people shriek and die. There are a few gory wounds, but not enough for it to be bloodporn, and the token "OH GOD OH GOD I'M FREAKING OUT LET'S RUN OH GOD ZOMBIES OH GOD DID YOU GET BIT NO OH GOD DID YOU OKAY NO WAY OH GOD I'M A ZOMBIE NOW RUN FROM ME OH GOD YOU ARE DELICIOUS" scene. Oh, and did I mention that the entire movie is shot in Shaky-Cam™? I'm fairly certain that at one point, I ached for a stable shot. Literally, I felt it in my very nerve-endings. "Hold still," I thought. "Hold still long enough for terror to whisper in my ear." But, it wasn't to be.
NEXT!