Today, both my cars were repossessed. That timing was
surprising; they're both financed through different organizations, unrelated
to each other.
Now, I am utterly worthless to my ex-wife; I have no
"spare" cars for her use (she got her Corvette repaired last week with my
assistance -- she seemed unable to drive it to a mechanic herself; she had to
have me do it while she stood there like the empty-headed fuckwad she is)
anymore. That's right, even though her car was repaired and is in perfect
working order now, she still took one of my cars to work all this week. Why?
Because they had stereos in them and her car does not, of course. Her job is
like 10 minutes away, but she needs that music.
She still does everything she can to emasculate me and
deflate me. She still sleeps in and on the blanket Erica gave me for my
birthday, even though I tell her not to. She gets defensive, insisting "I
didn't touch it" when I ask why it's warm when I go to bed. I've told her
twice now when someone calls for me and she doesn't recognize them, to tell
them I'm not here. When the Mitsubishi guy called at our doorstep last
month, and said "I need to speak to William," what do you think her response
was? "He's not here"? Nope. "Who?" Nope. She shut the door in his face without
saying a word. Stupid bitch. Then when the credit union called for me
today, she handed the phone straight to me. After talking with them briefly, I
asked her "so, even though I told you not to tell people I'm here, why did you
just tell them I was here and hand me the phone?"
Her answer? "They caught me off guard."
I can't wait to die now. I can't wait to see her have to
deal with this fucking world all by herself. She is so utterly selfish and
without remorse, she will paint herself into the white trash corner she so
richly deserves. As long as I'm alive, she'll use me as a crutch. Once I'm
gone, she'll have to do shit on her own, and I think that change in itself is
worth my death.
In other news, I called Teresa, who said "if you ever need
anything, call me." Well, I needed someone to talk to, but surprise surprise,
she just wanted to lecture me. Ironically, at the end of the conversation she
said "if you need anything, call me."
Last week, I called Erica and asked her to just fucking pay
me. Online later that night she said "it's on its way." 10 days later, nothing
has arrived yet. She's screwing me too.
My parents disowned me, too. They don't even talk to me
anymore. It's been three weeks since I heard a word from them. They drove all
the way out here to visit me, but went back home without ever stopping by.
Whoops.
My friends are gone, too. Belinda promised she'd try to
call or write as soon as she could; that was last Saturday. It's been six days
now since I heard from her. My friends in Colorado were supposed to come to
Vegas on a vacation of some kind, and while here they intended to show up and
drag me back to Colorado with them. Or at the very least, take me out to do
some stuff here, to try to have fun, to try to put some kind of spirit back in
me. They never arrived. Nobody mails, nobody calls, nobody does anything.
They've all given up, amid my desperate cries for help and companionship.
Not that I ever expected it, but even "God" won't talk to
me. Neither will anything "evil" -- I'm not worth the effort of either side;
I'm so bland and meaningless that I'm not worth anything to the spiritual
world either.
You have no idea how alone I am. Not only has everyone
literally disappeared (except Gayeleen, who still complains that I owe her
money -- fucking bitch), but my entire belief system has been shattered.
Things I held to be absolute truths ("my parents will always love me", "not
*all* of my friends will completely abandon me", "there has to be *something*
good in this world") have been proven wrong so completely that it's destroyed
something in my mind that can never be recovered.
I'd just like to say for the record that I love Kerry
Marie. She does lots of softcore solo porn (no hardcore yet, dammit), has a
breathtakingly beautiful face, enormous natural breasts, and an
English accent. I'd chop off a limb (but not that one :) for a
night in the sack with her.