Hung out with Satyr and Jules last night. Couldn't drink much due to the fact that I've been staying up writing
volumes at night and working 14 HOURS! each day. I have two full time jobs....and I'm strong, but this may indeed
kick my ass.
Listening to Ani Difranco, as usual, and I realized something. I'm being called a quitter, a liar and a pessimist pretty much all in the same breath. If it were a month ago, I would vehemiately deny these things as I'd shout and start swinging. Now, I just think it's ridiculous. There is no point coming to my own defense. But I'll tell you something, it's just not that way. And I know in my heart, for the first time, that what I'm doing is right. There isn't a doubt in my mind.
I play the bad guy because it makes it easier on other people to make me their scapegoat. It's easier for them to play the wounded and say they are the way they are due to me and circumstances that I bring about. But it's bullshit. It's all for looks. No, I don't believe the pain is there, or at least not to the degree which has been eluded to. I know there is more pain to come, but this my dears, is not something I am intentionanlly giving anyone. This is a pain that is brought about someone's own actions, and there ain't a damn thing I can do to save them from it, because frankly, they asked for it.
I am not continuing the cyle. It would be easier for a time to fall back into old patterns and habits. But for what? Do I have to be instituionalized for someone to take me fucking seriously? Thanks, but they DON'T care enough about me to ever save me that. I've gotten real used to saving myself and them, when they would rather I wasn't involved in their lives anyway. I'm not bitter as of yet, I'm just being realistic.
So please don't ask me not to be so hard on them. I'm not doing anything. I'm sorry if the colors you get in your painting of the situation are just a hair off. There's a lot of love in a lot of people's eyes, and it didn't matter that it shone so brightly in mine. Brighter than any feeling I have ever had. But now it's banked, cloaked, and I can't dig it up even though I've been trying.
I gotta go to work now.