Gonna go find my
mother.
Seriously, I'm not scared this time. The time is now, to face possibly my biggest fear. I have this crazy reversed Big Bang Theory. By Monday, I had spread out as far as I could, reaching out my fingers and grasping at nothing in particuliar, and obviously coming up empty handed.
Now I feel everything being drawn back into me, becoming centralized, concentrated. Is it that I know more of who I am, or just where it is I am going? Does it matter?
I have spent my whole life chasing after people in order to find myself, but I have to face myself, in all of it's ugly selfishness in order to find what it is that makes me. The best way I can see to do this is to find out WHO made me.
Off on yet another adventure, and this time I can't take anyone with me. I don't want anyone with me, though, because for once, this only involves me. So, wish me luck, I need every once of strength you can lend. I promise to give it back.
Ficus, thanks for taking the time to pat me on the back, I had almost forgotten what that felt like.
Is there a single solitary person I'm not fighting with?
Have I just built up so much fucking burning anger that I can't keep my tongue in my head, or my fingers from beating the shit out of these keys? I want this to go down on my record that I don't give a shit if you're impressed . I have had it with pretty much all of you. So you finally found where my buttons are, you've pushed 'em, now what do you want, a medal? Keep the medal, and just lose me for a while, because that is obviously your intent. Yeah, keep up with your demands, they will not be fulfilled. I can only be so much to so many, and you don't even appreciate it when I give it. I didn't ask for appreciation, I asked for patience and to be a part of your lives. You can't extend a kind word from where you stand, like I'm some kind of pariah? Thank you so much for showing me the limitations of even my true friends. So no phone calls, no /msgs, no words of advice or worry. Carry your own weight for a while and realize how trivial our problems are and how little time we all have together. Buck up and sing your own sad songs......I am walking out of earshot. Make up your minds to make yourselves important, like I have always seen you guys. But don't you dare think of giving me shit.