Alternatives to toilet paper (idea)

In the classic sixteenth century novel Gargantua and Pantagruel, a great novel that predates the writings of Cervantes and Shakespeare, and is guaranteed permanent inclusion in the western canon of literature, noted author Francois Rabelais gave careful consideration to the subject of alternatives to toilet paper.

In the thirteenth chapter of the first book, titled "How Grandgousier realized Gargantua's marvelous intelligence, by his invention of an Arse-wipe," the protagonist Gargantua (from whose name we have derived the word Gargantuan), while still a child, explores many options for wiping his arse, until he finally arrives at what he finds to be the best.

Among the items that he uses to wipe his arse, the following are included:

1. A lady's velvet mask
2. A lady's hood
3. A lady's neckerchief
4. Some earflaps of crimson satin
5. A page's bonnet, all feathered in the Swiss fashion
6. A March-born cat
7. His Mother's gloves, well scented with maljamin
8. Sage
9. Fennel
10. Anise
11. Marjoram
12. Roses
13. Gourd Leaves
14. Cabbage
15. Beets
16. Vineshoots
17. Marsh-mallow
18. Mullein, which is as red as your bum
19. Lettuces
20. Spinach-leaves
21. Dog's Mercury
22. Persicaria
23. Nettles
24. Comfrey
25. His Codpiece
26. The Sheets
27. The Coverlet
28. The Curtains
29. A Cushion
30. The Hangings
31. A Green Cloth
32. A Table-cloth
33. A Napkin
34. A Handkerchief
35. An Overall
36. Hay
37. Straw
38. Litter
39. Cow's Hair
40. Wool
41. Paper
42. A Kerchief (again)
43. A Pillow
44. A Slipper
45. A Game-bag
46. A Basket
47. A Hat... and some hats are
    • Smooth
    • Shaggy
    • Velvety
    • Of Taffeta
    • Of Satin
    ...though the best of all are the shaggy ones
48. A Hen
49. A Cock
50. A Chicken
51. A Calf's Skin
52. A Hare
53. A Pigeon
54. A Cormorant
55. A Lawyer's Bag
56. A Penitent's Hood
57. A Coif
58. An Otter
59. A Well-downed Goose

Some of these options, he finds, are not so good, for instance the ear flaps of crimson satin, of which he states:

"...there were a lot of turdy gilt spangles on them, 
and they took all the skin off my bottom.  May 
St. Anthony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith 
who made them and of the lady who wore them!"

As for paper, it leaves him less than satisfied with the results:

"Who his foul bum with paper wipes
Will on his ballocks leave some chips."

But it is the last option, the well-downed goose, that leaves him most satisfied:

"But to conclude, I say and maintain that there 
is no arse-wiper like a well-downed goose, 
if you hold her neck between your legs. 
You must take my word for it, you really must.  
You get a miraculous sensation in your arse-hole, 
both from the softness of the down and from the 
temperate heat of the goose herself; and this is 
easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest 
of the intestines, from which it reaches the heart 
and the brain."

All quotes from the J.M Cohen translation.