Someone just pointed out to me that tomorrow is September 11th and if he hadn't today would have passed into the unlooked at part of my calendar like any other uneventful Wednesday. Instead, I'm noding a daylog because the minute I heard my fingers typed me over to Everything2.com.
I used to spend a lot of time here and now its often just a passing memory. It's hard to believe from where I stand today how much a part of my life E2 used to be. Trips across the country, being offered a drink at my first e2 party and responding "I'm not 21 yet." jane's amusement at what I had said. My first trip to a gay club was with noders, masukomi and randir made me feel comfortable enough to try and dance in front of a room full of cute boys. I was so afraid of the world and life when I first logged onto this site. Now everything is different - including all these strange buttons like pipe link that I'm only just noticing.
The thing is that I never talked about Adam and what happened. It just seemed too personal, which is odd considering how much of myself I put up on this site. For some reason tonight I feel like talking. I don't know how much I'll say but now that I have no writeups and I've abandoned my once ultra-important quest to reach level 6 and get a homenode picture, I don't feel any conflict over talking.
So what can I say. 7 years ago I could have said any number of things, I could have talked about what a decent and handsome man I thought Adam was. How surprising it was to not be intimidated by him. In those days I had a really hard time being friends with men, especially straight men. With gay guys it was just sex, with straight men I had no idea how to bond or make a connection. Then I met Adam, and I was just so surprised how easy it was to talk to him. Any of you who've met me, if any of you are still around, probably noticed that I was very shy - not anymore, these days you could call me boisterous - but back then I could talk to chicks and Miller. Adam and I just talked.
I think I might be the last person from this site to see him. He was the first to arrive at the parsonage for our impromptu gathering and the last to leave. Everyone had already headed up to Boston, Adam spent the night. We talked a lot about his life, his relationships, some things that were going on at work he was concerned about. It was my last conversation with him that I remember the most. Adam was apologizing, the reason is insignificant because he had absolutely no reason to apologize. I told him that I wasn't bothered and that I actually thought it was cool, but it upset him a lot it seemed. It really was no big deal, he didn't owe me any explanations - I think he really wanted to apologize to you. When he left I assumed I'd be joking with him about it for awhile, it would be funny.
I don't think I got to make a single wisecrack.
I miss you Adam, you played such a small part in my life but you had such a great influence. At Tiffany, which closed down a few years back I told you about how I was going to go to college and get my life on track, and every step of the way I thought of you. I ended up with two degrees, a singing career, a great review in the NYTimes and I always seem to think about you as I move to new places in my life. Sometimes things get rough, my head gets turned around, life seems harder than it really is. I don't always see the boundless possibilities that were open to me and seemed somehow real for the first time when you offered that encouragement at that dark diner, with clowns dancing on the walls. I really do miss you, so much that I'm back on e2 letting things out, years later. I'm grateful to have met you.
I miss you.