Well, it's been a long time since I've really been here. Stopped by, checked my messages, corrected a few things here and there... Today I find myself reading sad stories of people who, through some fault of their own, lost someone they loved.
I love these stories and I don't know why... Well, I suppose I do know why. I've been struggling for so long with my own failing relationship, and I don't think there's anything I can do now. He fell out of love a long time ago.
I really wonder why he never ended it. Sometimes I think I'm just waiting for him to end it. Not giving up hope because he at least won't do that, yet. Even though I haven't admitted it, we've both just been hanging on for some reason. Do you love me or are you in love? I read that node today and it just about made me cry. I know he's not in love, but does he still love me? Is that worth hanging on to?
It's so hard being so far away... He's never been one for idle conversation, and now, with only the phone and email for contact, I find myself feeling so isolated from him. He won't talk about deep things because he's afraid of being hurt, and he won't talk about shallow things because he has no patience for them.
I just don't understand why it has to be like this. There were days, long past, when I was sure that nothing could stop us, but now we seem to have stopped ourselves. He's back in his fortress with the walls up, and I've grown increasingly clingy and dependent. I'm afraid to be alone. Well, I suppose I can't get to much more alone than being over 400 miles from everyone I know, but it would be nice to still feel connected to the people I know there.
Why am I writing this? I suppose I just need to get it off my chest. Not good to keep things bottled up and all that. I'm not hoping to spur him into some sort of action, I'm too scared of the outcome for that. Hopefully he never even sees this. I just need to try to let go, stop the foolish teenage-girl fantasies of getting married and living happily ever after. I'm too old for that now. I have to learn to accept that it becomes increasingly unlikely with every day when we talk of mindless things and learn to ignore each other even more.