I feel like I should share an update. I've posted a lot of logs when I was in a really dark place, and I'm doing a lot better now. It's kind of crazy, for the first time in my life I'm sleeping like a normal person. I know I've shared how I've struggled a lot with mental illness, I don't know if anyone reads my logs or cares or remembers, but I feel obligated to post an update nonetheless.
I think we finally found a medication that works, after like 6 years of failure and failure and failure. If you had asked me at the time I was prescribed, I would have said "I feel no hope," but I am tentatively starting to believe that my hopelessness was premature. I'm finally falling asleep at 1AM, finally waking up at 10AM, finally on a stable sleep schedule. I'm still feeling super fatigued most of the time, but I am noticing improvement, and I hope this improvement continues. My grades are better. I might get a job finally, if I feel like I can manage it over the summer. I'm trying not to get too excited but I am immensely pleased.
The sleep doctor has me on a strict regimen. No screens past 10pm, no caffeine past the first hour of waking up. Both of these were awful at first; caffeine addiction was a huge part of my personality. I made jokes about how caffeine kept me alive, "some people drink caffeine to wake up; I wake up to drink caffeine." But it wasn't hard to adjust. I just make a single cup of coffee, or a single energy drink. Sometimes it ends up being two hours, but it's manageable. No screens also sucks, because at 10pm I'm too tired to read anything, so I just lay in bed and listen to music. Or I play 20 questions with Alexa. Sometimes I journal.
Also, because I'm doing better, I got a new pet. Two of them, actually. They're called "shubunkin goldfish", which people call "poor man's koi". They are patterned just like koi, and look kind of like koi, minus the whiskers. For months now I've had a desire to care for something. I kind of like the idea of having something I have to feed and keep alive. So I got a 20 gallon tank for free from my parents' garage. They had aquariums in the 90s, but the water conditioner that came with the aquarium was 27 years old, so I tossed that. Spent money on gravel, fake plants, water conditioner, a siphon, fish food, filter cartridges (which I have to return because they don't fit), and the two fish, it cost me $70. People on Reddit say the tank size for goldfish is 40 gallons minimum, preferably 75, but I think I can get away with 20 because these fish are tiny. Also I kind of think it's aquarist elitism because, come on, everyone keeps goldfish in fishbowls. I'm giving them like 20x the size most people give them. I'm just hoping they don't die. People say the first three months are the critical period where fish can get stressed and die. I'm kind of concerned that dumping new water into the tank won't stress them to death. It only takes like ten seconds, but it makes water currents.
Their names are Tuesday and Banquo. I'm trying to get good photographs of them, but they're squirrely. Google says fish at this size are 6 months old. I initially thought guppies, but wanted something that lives a long time, so that I can get attached. Goldfish live as long as dogs. They're on my desk, and they're a lot of fun to watch. I wasn't going to name them for the first few weeks, but then I started calling them "Blackie and Orangey" and I realized that I had to assign names expediently or else their colors would become the names. Tuesday because I bought him on Tuesday, and Banquo because Shakespeare is awesome. They seem to really enjoy each other's company, they're always right next to each other as they explore the tank. I like to think they're capable of fondness for each other, but perhaps their togetherness is just the byproduct of familiarity. They may love each other, but I don't think they're capable of loving me. They like to watch me when I'm at my desk, and don't seem scared when I approach the aquarium, so they are familiar with me. I'll accept familiar.
I dream one day of having a koi pond. Koi are beautiful and they live a long time. The pet store was selling some gorgeous koi, they had three colors and were just beautiful. There's a certain allure to the thought of building a koi pond here. I could buy one of those big pools, stick it in the ground, disguise it with rocks and plants, and put some koi into it. It wouldn't be a super preemo bougee pond, but I think it would be big enough and I could sit by it and read a book.
I've been reading a lot of Shakespeare lately. I want to get through his tragedies. I kind of worship him. I feel like every time I read him, my worship swells and swells, and now he's cemented in my psyche as this sort of super-human god. His portrait is my desktop wallpaper. I worship Rachmaninoff about the same, the Russian composer. I want to get both of their signatures tattooed. But I won't have the money for years. I imagine a tattoo like that would be around $200. There is a singular friend I would like to go with. I don't know when I will see him next. He lives across the country. I wanted to see him over the summer but tuition cripples me.