This
write-up was going to be titled "
if I had feelings." I tried for an hour to
express how
upset I would have felt that I couldn't stop
thinking of her the way I did. I tried to express how I would have felt knowing I didn't once
cross her mind as she
prepared to go out for the
evening. I was going to mention how much it would have
bothered me that she looked so
attractive tonight, and how she must have known how much it would have
tormented me. An hour of trying to explain that
if I had feelings, they would probably be hurt.
5:AM came, two hours after we parted ways... me with zot-fot-piq and her with the guy that gave me the wet-fish-handshake. Why couldn't I write this node..? I thought I should have been hurt, or mad as hell, but as hard as I tried I continued to feel nothing. Then it hit me... "holy crap... I don't care." I can't write about feelings I wouldn't have had, even if I did have feelings... not even for an interesting story.
Zot-fot-piq's insight for the evening was 'things' do not have to be so difficult... I didn't follow his context, but it made a lot of sense in my dilemma. (if one person says ANYTHING about "di-lemmanaid" I am just gonna snap) It's amazing how sometimes, it just comes down to making a simple decision. I am not going to force myself into thinking I should, or would have hurt feelings... my pain is not cool, because it doesn't exist... F'you, brain... you lose.