Happy Birthday to me. I am 44 today.
Twenty years on this site is a bit weird.
Another year of loss, this time my sister-in-law at the end of January. Moved my mother-in-law into a memory care facility a few weeks later. Relationships ending, or turning into something else that can't really be seen right now. And all of the other struggles that come along with advancing ever forward in life.
I somehow have less of an idea of what the future holds now, which is scary in ways I'm sure I can't appreciate fully. I've settled into the idea that I'm going to work whatever ever problem is in front of me in the moment, and perhaps hope less for a future where there aren't any problems. Fend of the nihilism where it appears, and stay in the moment. Worry less and stay in the moment. Pining for a week where maybe nothing happens? Where maybe there isn't some weird political bullshit to rally against anew, any new crisis that means clearing the decks for another round.
I want to go home, but I don't know how that will work in the short term. Hopefully I'll be there by the end of the year. Instead I'm trying to enjoy my homes, and the way that I can be here now. The rest will follow, time willing.
Time willing. That's not something that I want to put my trust in, but it is what is here.