Brazilian bikini wax (idea)

As I type this, I listen to the new T.a.t.u. album and munch astronaut ice cream. Hello, Everything. This is the fourth time I've waxed my own bits.

So here's whatcha do. Get thee to a drug store and purchase SURGI-WAX brand Brazilian Microwave Hair Remover for Private Parts. Yep, it says all that on the box. It'll run you about $7, and usually includes little vials of unguents: one "pre-epilation oil" for massaging into the hairy skin prior to the harvest; probably some blue azulene oil for post-wax treatment; and if you're lucky, some anesthetic oil to numb your scared mons veneris. While you're there, get a bottle of Ibuprofen.

Once home, take two Ibuprofen. This serves two purposes: it dulls the pain, but more importantly, it quiets the inflamatory response your skin will have to the hair-yanking, making everything much more pleasant for you in the long term. Wait for it to hit maximum efficacy; this varies from person to person. For me it's 30 minutes or so. Test this by pinching yourself pretty hard. Can you handle it? Yeah, I knew you were hardcore.

Get your bottom half nude and wash your to-be-waxed area with soap and lukewarm water. Get it dry. Now slather on some of that pre-ep oil and rub it in real well. Stick the little cup of wax into your microwave and get it nice and goopy (follow the instructions that came in the box). Sit down somewhere you can spread your legs and get into all sorts of ungainly poses. Usually I'm on my bathmat, but tonight I'm on my computer chair. Get a mirror. I just have a little cosmetic handmirror, but one you don't have to hold is more useful.

Now you should be seated with your warm wax, little wooden stick, numbing oil, tweezers (you remembered tweezers, yes?), mirror and hairy junk all close at hand. Your pubes are about half an inch long; maybe a little shorter. The wax is actually more of a resin, and smells piney. It's pleasant. Dab a little on the back of your hand to make sure it isn't burning hot. Note how stringy and sticky it is. Like hot glue! Be careful of carpets.

The moment of truth. Pick a spot. If this is your first time, probably somewhere along the edge of your pubic triangle would be best. Smooth about a square inch's worth of wax onto the skin, in the direction of hair growth. Let it harden a bit. It should be still a little flexible, but far past 'tacky'. Tap it with your fingers to test. Ready?

Flick up the far edge of the wax blob with your fingernail, and get a good grip on it. This takes practice; everything is oily and you're scared and etc. It's okay. Be cool, honeybunny. Use your other hand to hold the skin taut and flat. Now yank firmly and quickly in the opposite direction of hair growth. This motion should be parallel to the surface of the skin. Do not pull upwards! This is more painful, and will not remove as much hair. You might lose your grip on the wax piece; just grab it again and keep trying until it's off. Short, quick movements. Like a bunny.

When it's off, immediately press down on the newly hairless area with your fingertips. Pet firmly in the direction of hair growth, and smooth down your follicles. Admire the forest of liberated hairs on the chunk of wax. You don't literally get in touch with your roots often, so revel in this opportunity. Decide if you want to keep going. A couple of your follicles might bleed a little. That's okay, just pet them down and they'll stop.

The first time is the most painful. If you can get through this, it'll be smoother and smoother pubis from now on. "genital hair tends to grow back thicker and wider"*? Horse pucky. It gets easier every time. I'm almost done with this session, and experiencing a minimum of discomfort. I started underneath this time, instead of at the triangle. I think that helped, working my way up.

Be most careful around the labia. They are stretchy and tricky to pull flat. Take your time. If all else fails, the wax will harden enough to crack and remove.

Alrighty, so you got through it. Congrats! You're mostly bald. Now you gotta go after those little stubborn leftover hairs. This is picky and takes some mirror work. I'm always left with super-fine little blonde hairs afterwards, which are barely tactile to a finger but would probably show up under a tongue. I go after them with spot waxing and some tweezers, but there's always a few left.

Now you're totally done. If you're obsessive compulsive about it like I am, that means you're pretty darn bare from there to there (front and back clefts, respectively). Now douse yourself in azulene oil (remember the little blue vial?) and pet it in nicely, smoothing down your follicles. If you're inflamed, a cold towel or squishy blue ice pack with a towel around it can be very soothing. Don't use up all your oil; you'll want it for later. It should be applied daily for a few days afterwards, to keep any open follicles free of bacteria, and moisturized. It also helps soothe the itch of regrowth, and keeps ingrowns from getting infected. It may sting a little bit when you put it on. No worries; it's doing its job.

I have had less luck with other kinds of wax. Especially the Sally Hansen leg wax strips on the plastic sheets--those were terrible. This seems to be the best kind. It sticks only to hair and not to skin, no not ever. This means there's an absolute minimum of irritation. It's also cheap. A Brazilian wax at a salon will run you around $60. I am not willing to pay that much. I'd rather learn a new skill, kick back in my own chair, and listen to some Wumpscut while I become charmingly bare.

Questions, corrections, additions and anecdotes are encouraged. Happy waxing, hairy friends!

Bonus Stage! Epilatory Epilogue

It's growing back in and it itches! Now what? For me, this is the part that's most worth waxing as opposed to shaving. In shaving, the hairs have been cut off bluntly and are a hell of a lot itchier and more painful (not to mention scratchy). Regrowth usually happens soon enough that exfoliation is often out of the question due to razorburn. But since you waxed, you lucky pig, you are now totally recovered from any initial trauma, and ready to take on the new issue. Namely, ingrown hairs.

My generalized recommendation is to use your favorite method of exfoliation and carefully, gently scrub the affected area. This gets rid of dead skin that may be trapping the hairs in their follicles, and works them up to the surface so they can grow out unimpeded. It also is a far less damaging method of easing the itch than scratching with your nails (if you are sans washcloth and itching, give the itchy skin a swat with your flattened fingers instead of raking with your nails). Specifically I recommend using a microfiber cloth as your washcloth, both for this and for face-washing. I use the nubbly kind (as opposed to the fuzzy kind, or the smooth kind) and it cleans out my pores a treat.

More delicate care will have to be taken with hairs that are already trapped and inflamed, forming a little red bump. I could tell you not to pick at it, because it won't get better if you do. This is a substition, so I won't bother. I will tell you that when you do inevitably pick at it, wash your hands and nails thoroughly first, as well as any tools (bobby pins, safety pins, tweezers, thumbscrews) in soap and water for the former, rubbing alcohol for the latter. Clean tools will prevent almost as many infections as not fucking with the bump in the first place.