In which I start to 'try on' Judaism
I've discussed my beliefs briefly here previously (here for example, and here. So despite my agosticism and general disrust of organised religion, I finally found the need (courage? Intention? Desire for structure? Plain old-fashioned curiosity?) to attend a Sabbath service at the local Reform synagogue last week. I've long said that if someone were to put a gun to my head and force me to choose a religion, it would be Judaism. For some reason this has been on my mind for a couple of weeks and it was finally time to cowboy up and attend a service.
Was I nervous? Of course. This was going to be my first time in a synagogue, I wouldn't know the service or what was going on, I'd be a fish out of water. But I met Rabbi Beth before service began, I saw a couple of people there that I knew, or who knew me, I could voice my newbie condition and get a little guidance before going in. So for the first time in my life I donned a kippah and took a seat.
My first impressions were that these people were celebrating their religion. There was no sense of "obligation", just a strong sense of community and the strength that comes from unity of purpose. The rabbi was kind enough to give cues on whether to sit or stand at the next part of the service, the Hebrew words of the prayers were transliterated not just in the prayer book but also projected on a screen at the front, and whilst it was a struggle to sing the prayers and psalms, I managed to join in on occasion.
To be honest, I couldn't tell you quite why I was there. Filling a void? Having ritual and structure? Joining a group? Curiosity is certainly a factor. I've many Jewish friends from across the spectrum, and had many conversations about Judaism over the years. But deeper reasons why was I decided to go? A full day later and I still don't have a full answer. That said, do I have to justify myself? To myself, as an agnostic bordering on atheist, I owe myself an explanation, and I need to come to terms with the possibility that at some future point I may have to decide to join with this group, with these people, formally, as a member of the congregation. Will I convert? I have no idea what will happen next and that is going to be a tricky decision to make. But I do not have to do that today, I just need to let myself process what I have so far. Admittedly this is early days, and at present I can only honestly say that I am only "trying on" Judaism and theism. In time things will fall into place, I am confident in that.
One thing I must come to terms with soon is that I will be surrounding myself with people who believe in a god that I currently philosophically don't. So firstly, I decided (yesterday afternoon) that I need to consider what I will be thinking of when praying in shul. What will I be thinking of when considering "God" in that sense? I finally came to think that "god" in this religious context, is the sum total of the humanity that brought The Book and the people together, that has brought this group of humans together to worship and support together in unity. SO right now, "God" is the essence of positive human thought, feeling and action that may have become anthropomorphised this into an image of god that has come to be part of a tradition. Doubtless in time I will have a fuller answer for myself, and no doubt I will share that here, so expect more on this topic from me over time. I did find an interesting article on the topic of religious atheists, here, and while it doesn't cover everything for me, it's at least a starting point. It is early days, but I have the feeling it will all fit in time.
Earlier I spent a few minutes composing an email to the rabbi to express some of my feelings, gratitude and experience, and also, to ask for help. Not having been brought up with the tradition, I will be floundering for a while, and expressed my desire for a "father" to adopt me and guide me in the initial stages. I have no doubt that some of my many Jewish friends will step forward to guide, instruct and advise me too.I have a feeling it's going to be a fun and interesting ride. Of course, I'd love to hear from any of you, Jewish or not, about this. Doubtless some of you will have thoughts (judgements?) which I would love to hear. I'm at the very beginning of this journey and need all the help I can get.
I let everyone I met there know it was my first time in shul. One of the congregation said I needed a photo, which I agreed was a good idea. He took one and I sent it to a good (Jewish) friend of mine who has already invited me to spend a day with me and maybe attend service. If you're curious you can see it here.
Written today, being Prickle-Prickle, the 25th day of Bureaucracy in the YOLD 3190
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