When you take LSD, you come to conclusions; lots of conclusions. Generally, they seem very profound at the time. They have meaning and can be very deep. One night after
Christmas I spent four hours staring at the wall... trying to come up with reasons for everything. Yes,
everything. And for the most part I found them.
I wanted to take advantage of every moment, I wanted to find something that would make me a better person. I wanted to discover things through myself. I wanted to discover
myself through myself. And I think I did.
I thought about the world, and my family, and my life.
The people I have loved, and all the people I've known. I went over everything I knew and tried to objectify it, thinking
out of the box for the first time in a long, long time. I almost cried.
I made points for myself. I listed them, so that I would remember them: I should never stop creating
music; I should never stop
writing; I should talk more softly; I should always try to be a good person;
I wish my mother were happy. There was a list a mile long, and I've lost most of it. But all these things had reasons, proofs behind them. And I wish I'd written them down.
Above the list I came to two broad conclusions: 1.)
Everything is beautiful and 2.)
Except me. Even amidst
euphoria I was disgusted with myself. At a time when I could only be honest - honest to the best of my ability, thoughtful,
neutral, objective - I hated myself. Everything about myself. And only now has the realization stung me so violently.
It was 4 AM and I was staring at my hands - they were so disgusting. Fingers: long,
bony, out of proportion. I could only think of my mistakes, of everything I lacked. My wretched, selfish, inadequate personality; my pathetic
vanity, my inexperience, my
cruelty. The standards I couldn't live up to. I had done everything wrong in my life, and I should pay for it.
While tripping, I came to accept these rules. I decided they were the most correct ideas I could ever have. And maybe they are: how can I distrust myself? Could I possibly have been wrong? How could I come up with something so pessimistic in such an optimistic
mind-set?
I wish I knew the answer. Maybe next time I'll figure it all out; maybe I'll see something new.
Beauty is so elusive.