When you take LSD, you come to conclusions; lots of conclusions. Generally, they seem very profound at the time. They have meaning and can be very deep. One night after Christmas I spent four hours staring at the wall... trying to come up with reasons for everything. Yes, everything. And for the most part I found them.

I wanted to take advantage of every moment, I wanted to find something that would make me a better person. I wanted to discover things through myself. I wanted to discover myself through myself. And I think I did.

I thought about the world, and my family, and my life. The people I have loved, and all the people I've known. I went over everything I knew and tried to objectify it, thinking out of the box for the first time in a long, long time. I almost cried.

I made points for myself. I listed them, so that I would remember them: I should never stop creating music; I should never stop writing; I should talk more softly; I should always try to be a good person; I wish my mother were happy. There was a list a mile long, and I've lost most of it. But all these things had reasons, proofs behind them. And I wish I'd written them down.

Above the list I came to two broad conclusions: 1.) Everything is beautiful and 2.) Except me. Even amidst euphoria I was disgusted with myself. At a time when I could only be honest - honest to the best of my ability, thoughtful, neutral, objective - I hated myself. Everything about myself. And only now has the realization stung me so violently.

It was 4 AM and I was staring at my hands - they were so disgusting. Fingers: long, bony, out of proportion. I could only think of my mistakes, of everything I lacked. My wretched, selfish, inadequate personality; my pathetic vanity, my inexperience, my cruelty. The standards I couldn't live up to. I had done everything wrong in my life, and I should pay for it.

While tripping, I came to accept these rules. I decided they were the most correct ideas I could ever have. And maybe they are: how can I distrust myself? Could I possibly have been wrong? How could I come up with something so pessimistic in such an optimistic mind-set?

I wish I knew the answer. Maybe next time I'll figure it all out; maybe I'll see something new. Beauty is so elusive.

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