The automatic door at the grocery store and I had a standoff today; I eventually found my way out but the door made me look like a dumbass in the process. As I stood in front of the door, looking dead at the sensor and waiting for someone to come through from the other side, I started wondering why the door would do such a thing to me. I logically concluded that I must be a vampire.
This got me thinking about the nature of vampires in today's society. They like wearing leather jackets. My mom said in her day they wore capes and, maybe I am a little old fashioned, but that's the way it should be. Today, vampires seem to be as seductive as ever ... to school children. But not to me. Maybe this is because I am not, you know, into men regardless of mortality, but there's more to it. As I mentioned before, capes are mandatory in my book. You know who associates himself with bats and wears a cape? The Batman. While vampires are out sucking blood, Batman is fighting crime for the good of society. Plus, he's richer than any of the other capitalists, I mean blood suckers. So let's look at the score. Vampires: No cape, fails to fight crime to the point where a vampire signal would be necessary, not rich. The Batman: fights crime, won't doom you to an eternity of suffering, rich. Furthermore, while he is not batman during the day, he is still Bruce Wayne and you can take him into the sunlight. In conclusion, who can you bring back to meet your parents, a vampire or George Clooney?

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