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Abstractosexuality is a relatively unknown phenomenon involving sexual attraction toward the abstract and, like many people, I was personally ignorant of this behaviour until two years ago when I had my heart broken by length. I had to make it clear to everyone I was not in love with all things possessing the quality of length, although they certainly did bring back some fond memories, but I was in love with the actual concept of length. Ironically, the relationship didn't last. Nevertheless I slowly but surely recovered and I am now in a wonderfully fulfilling relationship with 20mph.

It was a fairly slow-moving relationship but as I should have expected, people do not understand this at all and my family treats it as a joke. When I announced my plans to marry 20mph many people thought I was in love with a road sign or some such, and that I would be so ridiculous as to walk down the aisle with a speed limit sign in a gown. What will it take to get it through to you people? I'm not shallow, I don't love the outward manifestation, I love the beauty within!

Yes it may not happen every day and yes maybe I will somehow have to find a way to change every speedometer on earth to include my surname but it will be worth it. I am in love, why can't society accept that without pigeon-holing me as a "pervert" and "clinically insane"? So what, I had a doomed affair with a saucepan when I was fourteen, does that make me incapable of choosing a partner for myself?

There are no rules to love. Just step outside of your narrow-minded views and love the things we are conditioned to ignore. Maybe you'll fall in love with abstractosexuality.

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