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Artificial Quoting, made popular by Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live (SNL), is a highly annoying way to get someone's attention when in conversation. Artificial quoting can be broken up into hand quoting and verbal quoting. Following are some tips 'n' tricks to get the most mileage out of a surefire way to win friends and influence people.

What is Hand Quoting?

Hand quoting is a way to insert artifical seperation of a term or expression in a statement. In making the gesture, take the index and middle fingers of each hand and bend them rapidly inward towards the palm. Repeat twice to indicate quote and endquote. Accompany this action with a slower rate of speech or change in tone for added emphasis. For example:

I don't understand why some people have an (gesture here, raise and lower tone through phrase) "irrational phobia" of Unix like operating systems.

What is Verbal Quoting?

Verbal quoting is a way to indicate quotes without hand gesture. Say "quote", then the phrase terminated with "endquote". Voice modification is an added plus. For example:

I don't understand why a certain deodorant commercial for women says (say "quote")"strong enough for a man but 'pH balanced' for a woman".(say "endquote") Smelling like powder must have something to do with pH.

Tips 'n' Tricks

1. Abuse artificial quoting to the fullest. This is especially true at parties. Try it with dates. Use it on professors or employers. As pseudointellectual ramblings spill out effortlessly, accentuate every polysyllabic word with hand and verbal quotes.

2. Put more phrases/terms in quotes. In fact, quote anything you'd like including curses, especially this one. Stoplights are a good place to practice. Remember, I'm not liable if anyone gets his/her head blown off in a carjacking. Beware.

3. Advanced tactics include other punctuation marks. The verbal use of period has been well established, but it can't hurt to branch out. Another example:

Bastard, you tipped your cranberry apple cocktail all over my faux suede! (say "exclamation point" with enthusiasm)


Verbal and hand quoting have no place in polite conversation. Yet polite conversation is useless when trying to prove a point. This point might be most evident, however, when sitting in a grimy OTB next to a man named Bertram staring at the Dunkin' Donuts logo on a styrofoam cup while giggling inanely. Keep in mind that artificial quoting will be a good friend, irregardless of life's circumstances.

Yes, irregardless was added for irony only.

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