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TL;DR: I am alive. No, I’m «not ok» in the sense that the bad situations in my life are generally worse now. Yes I’m ok in the sense that I’m alive, fed and sheltered. I won’t be sharing here. I do miss almost all of you. I’m sorry if my inactivity caused you any kind of stress or worry about my well-being. I thank almost all of you. I’m in read-only mode for now.

Se juntaron el hambre con las ganas de comer

Spanish, idiom.

used to indicate two things that compose to a greater effect, often for the worse.

also idiomatically similar to the phrase «when it rains it pours» in the sense that it’s used to indicate a (usually bad) situation worsened by an external or additional situation

On August 10 I logged in to see if there was anyone to chat with. I shared my admittedly low emotional state.

User lizardinlaw replied with comments that my brain registered as mocking, condescending and/or simply dismissive, like:

lizardinlaw tries slash antipsychotic andycyca but that is not a working command yet
lizardinlaw tries slash antidepressant and slash methamphetamines. I’ll bet slash kratom don’t work either

This is the same user that wrote:

I am horrified to hear about trolling on the internet making fun of someone who sounds psychotic. (…) They are guilty of a failure of compassion and a failure to help someone in desperate need.

Which is incredibly ironic: a health professional commenting on people trolling a person with mental illnesses, while also being dismissive of the same for reasons unknown (was it true forgetfulness, lack of empathy, a lapsus in judgement, an egotistic impulse or something else? I don’t know, cannot know and don’t want to know)

What happened after that? Many things. I was convinced that e2—as a whole, of course—was a good place to share even these darkest corners of my mind. Presented with evidence to the contrary, from a person that I had been warned about—and on whom I still placed trust—further convinced me that this was not a life worth living. I looked forward to hurting myself.

Of course, I did not take that route, at least not that night, nor the following. Though it wasn’t precisely for my depressed sense of self worth. Other things happened that prevented me from returning home until today, some of which were beyond my control.

I hesitate to share details because now I don’t trust e2 with these thoughts—again, as a whole. It’s better to say I don’t want user lizardinlaw to ever know what happened, how I am or anything else about me, around me, near me or anything else.

A few of you wrote me. Thank you. I thank you all, with one exception that should be obvious by now. I honestly didn’t think that I would be missed, and it’s incredibly reassuring to have proof that my ramblings and poor excuse for literature have made a mark—however small—in the people here. To all of you I extend not only my abstract arms in the form of open communication channels, but my deepest gratitude, as deep as any life can be for it’s what you’re demonstrating towards me. I thank you for giving me a far better proof against the monsters inside my head than some health professionals have. I thank you for giving me hope, which no amount of money, studies or chings can give. It falls upon me to live up to this standard, hopefully improving over time. It falls to me to live—and hopefully I can still say the same the next time I’m feeling low and someone who says they’re a doctor offers a cookie to the suicidal.

I thank you all, with one exception.

Until I regain trust on e2—again, as a whole—consider this my retirement from this site. I shall still visit and read and vote and ching and maybe even use the catbox. Feel free to chat, to message, to discuss. I don’t feel safe in the public areas of this site for anything more than trivialities.

I deeply regret if my actions, or lack thereof, caused worry in you. It was not my intent, indeed because I thought it wouldn’t happen. If I can make amends, feel free to contact me.

I hope life will get better. I hope because it’s all I have left at this point. I hope that I’ll be able to chat and share with you in a better, brighter future. I hope for the best for all of you. Almost.

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