Dear Dotti

Also known as Dotti Primrose, Dear Dotti is the advice columnist for the tabloid Weekly World News, though I doubt that she and her letters are real.

She is usually mean to the people who write to her, often calling them pinheads and boneheads. She makes Dr. Laura look like Mr. Rogers.

The most entertaining part of the column is the "confidential" section, where she posts only her responses to the letters. With these, you can let your sick, filthy imagination run wild. Here are some paraphrased examples of these:

To Mad Scientist In Michigan: With a test tube? Are you crazy?

To Happy In Houston: Whatever you do, don't eat the banana!

Now defunct band The Lunachicks wrote a song in homage to the fabulous Dear Dotti, titling it after her column. The short song consists of two verses, each consisting of a reader's letter and Dotti's response. One verse is about a woman who is incredibly hairy, so much that her tongue is covered in fur, and the other is about a woman who married her father but now wants to become a nun.

There is also a chorus in which the Lunachicks praise Dear Dotti's wise words: "Dear Dotti, what should I do / I write this letter to you / I know you'll tell me the truth / In the Weekly World News."

The studio recording of this track is available on the "Pretty Ugly" album by the Lunachicks, and a live version is available on the Lunachicks' "Drop Dead Live".