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Today I am in love with one of my best friends. I've known him for about a year now; I met him through a girl in my German class at university, and I see him every day during term time. We have so much in common - he is the only person I can talk to for hours about books (almost always South-East Asian or British Modernist), poems (Eliot and Hardy), friends, relationships, family, sex and drugs - and I know he won't judge me and will keep our conversations private.

Last night I got really drunk and he held my hair while I vomited, and then he wrapped me in a blanket and sat with me while I cried and told him all of the things that have happened to me that I've never told anyone else. I apologised profusely this morning and he told me not to worry and that maybe I just needed to get some stuff off my chest. He made sure I ate a decent meal and then we said our goodbyes and went home for Christmas.

I have fallen in love with him, but he is gay. He's never had a boyfriend before, and had a girlfriend for several years when he was much younger, and I keep thinking that maybe one day he will wake up and realise that he loves me too. I don't know what to do because I know in my heart of hearts that he has made this decision and he has been brave and come out of the closet. I know I can't change him and I don't want to, because he is perfect just as he is, and I am so grateful to have such a wonderful friend. But over secret cups of black coffee in the library I watch him read and fall in love with him all the more. He is so beautiful to me.

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