I hope you're doing well. I decided to start writing again and I'm going to be doing it on here. Most will be letters to you, but some will be old poetry that you're going to cringe over, but please don't delete it! I got inspired by a girl who has had an account on here for TWENTY YEARS. Maybe that could be me in the future - but I'll never know if I don't start.
I'm starting to think that I might one day find myself trapped within one of my dreams. So trapped, that I'll never leave and therefore spend eternity in what I can at best desrcibe as a gorey, hypersexualised acid trip. Sometimes during a nightmare - where say, I had to saw off my rotting sister's limbs for an entire day whilst blood poured out of every cavity above my neck - it would become so real that I would wake up, realize I wasn't finished with my task, and go back to sleep where my nightmare would continue effortlessly as if it were simply pasued. And yet somehow, the the 'dreamworld' I live in (for up to 15 hours a day) is more exhilirating than real life. I'm aware that we're in a pandemic, but the fact that I try and live the shortest days possible is just absurdly worrying to me. What do you think? Has it stopped for you? At the very least I know that if I were ever in a coma I would be very much occupied and kept busy in the mental dungeon of my dreamland. By the way - when you pull the plug on me, don't forget to load me up with a fat shot of morphine. I am not dying sober.
Speaking of which, I'm going to smoke this bowl. I wonder if you still do that when you're feeling upset. I know you hate questions and you probably want to punch 19 year old you in the face. And maybe I'd want to punch you. Tomorrow (technically tonight - but I hate those people who point that out. Actually I don't hate anyone.) I'm spending New Year's Eve with Mei. Since everything is closed and theres an 8pm curfew - our only option really is to get wasted in one of the guest bedrooms to her ginormous house. T is in Mexico and I miss her quite a bit. I am worried about her though. The last time I saw her, she had just picked up some speed and her childhood best friend (who had just escaped... rehab? I think? It could have been a home for troubles The girl is 15) was using a syringe to inject it into her arm. Not to mention that she is in Mexico right now where she doesn't know anybody and have zero connections, so if she wants to score she might likely get a bad batch, or worse.
I've put off smoking this bowl for too long. It's all the weed I have left - until tomorrow. I love you, take care of yourself.