While I was in
college, I discovered the
comedy goldmine of
Chick tracts. I absolutely love these things. I really do. I began collecting them, and as it became known that I was looking for them, friends and aquaintances would bring them to me by the stack, until I had a pile of the things that reached about to my knees, even after throwing away all the
duplicates.
One of my favorites, and prized among my collection, was the tract known as Doom Town. This tract is based, oddly enough, around a Christian who is videotaping a gay rally. And from there, it only gets stranger...
The tract opens with a gay speaker saying that 12% of children will grow up to be gay or bisexual, and that they will not tolerate them being called "queers" or "sissies". Fair enough. But then in a turn of militant spite rarely seen outside of right-wing fundamentalist religion, the speaker then says that if research money for AIDS does not reach a certain level, by a certain date, that all gay males should give blood, which leads to one of my favorite lines in the tract. (Also take note of the sign in this frame which reads "Celebrate Sodomy". BWAHAHA!)
"Whatever is required to get national attention is valid. If that includes blood terrorism, then so be it!"
Damn. Those evil, evil gheys, poisoning our blood supply. Who could have realized that they could be so insidious?
Oh, wait. They're NOT. They're doing even more evil things. Like getting married. GAH! HELLFIRE AWAITS THEM ALL!
Errr. I digress.
In any case, our Christian-Cameraman-Protaganist advises his protege, who is understandably upset over the whole AIDS blood plot thingie, to calm down, that these poor souls need Christ.
"Don't start preaching! They're so filled with hate, they'll tear us apart!", his friend cries.
::blink::
::blink::
Right. Gays. Filled with hate. That's why we call them "Gay", which is a synonym for "happy and jovial". But again, I digress...
So the man prays to Teh Lord to let him talk to at least one person, so he can prove to them how much he loves them (by telling them what dirty disgusting sinners they are, and that they need the power of Christ to compel them to stop commiting such atrocious, sinful acts).
OK, the part in the parentheses was added by me, but you get the idea.
Immediately, a guy comes up. "Hey, man, how did you like our rally?"
The man thanks Teh Lord, and immediately begans to regale the man with the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.
We've all heard the story before, I'm sure, but some of the frames are too funny to neglect mention.
Check out the frame that reads across the top: "But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the Lord exceedingly."
First off, I'm not quite sure just who Lord Exceedingly is, but he must be quite important. Secondly, look at the back of the frame. No, no, look PAST the mustached sweating fat man making out with an obvious transvestite. We'll be dealing with them next frame. Near the statue, right... See that? See that robed bald guy chasing the little boy across the frame?
Am I wrong for finding that to be uproariously funny?
Then, in the next frame, the guy making out with the transvestite gets his, when a man comes up and says, and I quote, "Hey! That's MY wife you @!!!**! pervert!" I am a bit loathe to admit to myself that this level of humor was unintentional.
A few frames later, two angels show up in Sodom. The other people in the city are, of course, falling all over themselves to rape them, but Lot invites them to his home.
The mob, however, shows up at the door, shouting "Lot! Give us those men! We're gonna rape 'em!"
Lot, however, in a stunning display of moral aptitude, says, "My brothers, this isn't right! Take my virgin daughters instead!"
Gotta love a man who can compromise.
The rest of the tract is pretty much expected material. God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot escapes, blah blah blah. The next patently ridiculous frame shows Moses holding a stone tablet, and a caption that says "God gave his laws to Moses... And like it or not, God condemns the sin of homosexuality."
Hmmm. I must have missed that commandment. But I'll let this discrepency pass.
At the end, the man from the gay rally asks why he's sticking his neck out like that, that people will get mad. To which the Christian-Protaganist-Cameraman replies that he really loves homosexuals, which is why he wants to help God turn them from their filthy perversions, etc. The man cries out for God to save his soul, he's saved, everyoneliveshappilyeveraftertheend.
Things I learned from this tract:
- It is wrong to be gay, because you will inevitably rape small boys and celestial beings.
- It's OK to rape if a man offers you his virgin daughters.
- One of the Ten Commandments condemns homosexuality.
- The only way to cure teh ghey is through the power of Jesus Christ.
This hilarious little comic can be found at: http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0273/0273_01.asp