Today I am happy because I feel like I am closer to being who I want to be than I was before I got fired. I feel like this last week has given me some time off that I really needed. I only worked very part time, so it may not have seemed as if this was time I should have been gifted, I really didn't know how much working there was affecting other parts of my life. I love to write and to really indulge in marathon sessions has been restorative. I had several dreams last night, but since I didn't capture them right away, I only remember that my former PT was in one of them. I was near him when this woman in athletic gear who had blonde hair was talking to me. Two of her daughter were with her, we had a brief chat and then either she left, or I did. I kind of think the dream before that may have had my dad in it, he's been on my mind lately for some reason, not really sure why. Maybe it's because my former PT reminds me of him. I haven't thought about either of them in a while. Kind of strange that they're both on my mind on the same day.
My aunt called this afternoon, I knew the job search question was coming, and it still annoyed me. I recognize that she's concerned, but I am an adult and I'm also kind of mad at myself for feeling like I have to justify my actions to anyone. I got to a better place in my book. Chapter 8 started out very slowly, that almost never happens to me (as you can see) I can write volumes about absolutely nothing happening to me or going on in my life, I take that for granted so when it all of a sudden stops working, I get a bit nervous. I need to find better ways to cope with this anxiety. It's probably the number one problem in my life now that I have a better handle on sleep. I'm trying to imagine how much better my life could be if I was free from this feeling. I think I've gotten better at recognizing it for what it is, right now it's bad. I have to just let it flood me, and try to hang on because I know that the feeling is temporary. Tonight I am very tired because I stayed up until 2:00 AM writing. This was a poor decision that I regret. Tomorrow I want to go to the library and work on my resume. I want to get back to work, but I'm also cherishing this time off. I wish it could last forever, it's nice to feel like I love life and myself more again.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. They finally plowed our parking lot area after a neighbor of mine got stuck. But I still feel very fortunate to be able to live here. Knitting is on Tuesday this week. Going to make myself go even if the lady I don't care for is there. I need those types of outings in my life.
j