Once upon a time I met a guy who was hanging
out with a larger group of people. I thought he was funny when we were
talking about ghosts, but as I was soon to learn he was also very remote
and emotionally insubstantial which seems to be a characteristic of people I tend to find attractive.
Infatuation is a very strange phenomenon. He was charismatic and I
shudder to think about how consumed I was by thoughts of him because at
the time there were many red flags and warning signs that I ignored. The
realm of fantasy has always fascinated me not because I believe that
things can happen in real life, I know they can, but that wasn't really
the point.
Years went by, he let me know that he was repulsed by me weeks after
we met. I tried hanging on, but then I met someone else and went through
a similar version of what I had in the past only this time there was a
professional consideration at stake. Writing about this is very
difficult for me. I can't describe what I went through or how I still
feel when I realize what I did to myself in fruitless attempts to be
nice to people who couldn't be bothered doing much of anything for me
and I suppose that was the hardest part. I couldn't face reality and I
didn't want to listen to people who saw these situations much more
clearly than I did.
My therapist wants me to keep a feelings journal and at a deeper
level I know this will help, but I don't understand why I have this
disconnect. I'm horribly selfish when it comes to the people who
genuinely deserve my affections and attentions and then lavish unwanted gifts on people who are just as walled off from what they are feeling
as I have been in the past. Now I'm embarrassed, shamed, humiliated,
furious, outraged, and contemptuous. I like to think I've made
tremendous strides in this area, but not long ago something happened
that reminded me this was still a problem.
A woman I knew slightly
reached out to me after her boyfriend dumped her. At first I was very
empathetic as he sounded like a complete shit and I was relieved that he
was out of her life, but then she wouldn't let him go. She told me that
she wanted him back and she would do anything to see him again.
Meanwhile he's going out with other women that were closer to his own
age, there was a considerable age gap between this couple, and she's not
getting that in his mind their relationship is over. He had moved on,
it was obvious to me, and for a while I traded text messages with her as
she was going through some medical issues that weren't complicated, but
were still painful and unfortunate.
What I wish I would have been able to do is tell my former friend
that I was very sorry that her boyfriend had broken up with her while
keeping my boundaries intact. I didn't do that probably because I didn't
really know how, and partially because I was almost afraid of what she
might do if I tried that. I don't have much experience with men who are
obsessed with women although I know they exist, but I know many women
who have gone through what my friend and I have. It makes me wonder why
so many women are willing to accept men into their lives when the signs
are immediately pointing to him being a less than admirable character
and why we are so willing to make the sacrifices we do for him.
***
Another thing I want to write about is the guy who still
scares me. I don't know why he's occupying my thoughts lately, when we
met we had a mutual interest and enjoyed talking to each other about a
variety of topics. Sometimes I got a strange vibe from him, but I
couldn't define why he made me so uneasy. He had an interesting regular
job, and a cool side gig that I found myself not appreciating as his
questions became more intrusive. We had a discussion about being
attracted to people you work with, he confided that there was a woman he
knew that he enjoyed talking to and it was more difficult for him to
get along well with his wife who also worked in the field that he did.
This happened years ago, but it's still with me today and I would
love to be able to blank those memories from my mind for good. There was
a point where he called me out about something I had done, that was
completely out of line and I didn't bother arguing with him or trying to
get him to see that he had no business in ordering me around like that.
When he kept after me about not talking to him I kept ignoring him and
now I can see that I probably should have taken stronger measures and
told him to bug off in no uncertain terms. Recently this person received
some attention of the wrong sort by making a remark that could be
construed as racist and I believe that he is very disturbed despite his
profession.
I want distance. I need closure. Today I am letting these people go
and I'm going to talk to my therapist about these problems so when they
crop up again I have better coping strategies. It's not right for me to
have such low self esteem that I let people trample me. I've had women
in my life who have done worse things to me than the men I've known and
thinking about what I've suffered during those times of injustice makes
me sad for the battered shell I once was. Today the sky is a flat gray
and the roads are slick with thawing ice which I feel is an allegory of
these past encounters.
There is always hope that I will be able to keep going and someday
realize that everyone makes mistakes and some of us have to keep
repeating the same ones until we learn whatever lessons we need to. I
think this is one of the reasons I love music so much. Whether it's the
lyrics, notes, or the consuming passion, it seems to bridge a gap for me
the same way that writing fiction does. I spend too much time thinking
and writing and not enough time doing things. Despite the view I'm not
depressed. I was upset when I started writing, but I feel less burdened
than I did initially. I forgive myself. I can let go. I have healthy
relationships with people who are worth my time and those are small steps that will
lead me toward greater freedom and tranquility.