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Och aye, laddie, huv ye never heard of the wild haggis hunters o' the Heilans? Y'see, laddie, the thing about the haggis is that it makes its home in the Scottish Heilans, which are full of big muckle mountains...


         _____________________    \ |/
        /       *        *    \    \/
 /\    / * /_     *            \   /
|  |\_|    \     *   *    *     |_/
|  |/-|  *                   *  |
 \/    \__/  *    *     *      /
        \_________________*___/\      _______________
          / \               /   \     | WILD HAGGIS |
         /   \             /     \
        /     \           /      /\
        \     /\          \     /__\
         \   /__\          \     
          \                 \
          /\                /\
         /__\              /__\

Noo, Evolution has gifted the haggis wi' two wee right legs and two big long left legs, so they dinna topple o'er when they run around yon hills (clockwise, nat'rally.) Yon Haggis are fun-loving little critters, but they're easily startled - so all the hunter laddie has to do is make a wee hide where he knows a haggis is going to run past, then BANG!, he leaps out in front of the puir wee thing, which gets a fright an' tries to turn around and run anti-clockwise. But as ye ken, the haggis is only gifted to run clockwise, so it topples over and bounces all the way down the mountain. After a good day's haggis-frightnin', the hunter walks doon, picks up all the puir helpless haggi, and sells them at the local market...

...and if you believe that, laddie, ye'll believe anything. Noo, ah think ah'll have another wee dram, if ye dinna mind o'er much.


This story is found all over Scotland - anywhere a canny tour guide has the chance to fool some gullible tourists. Of course, haggis don't really have one leg shorter than the other, and it's a lot harder to catch them. But if you're ever in the Highlands, sit up at night, open your window and listen carefully - and you might just hear the squeals of the wild haggis floating on the clear night air.

I only realised after I wrote this that there is a similar story over in haggis... minus the bad Scottish accent, though.

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