How to speak Tumblr

TRIGGER WARNING: Abject Stupidity

"You unlock this door with IE, Chrome or Firefox. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of feels, a dimension of derp, a dimension of stupidity. You're moving into a land of privilege-checking and sanctimony, of isms, normatives, and centrics. You've just crossed over... into the Tumblr Zone." - Me, just now (apologies to Rod Serling).

Ahh yes. Tumblr. Yet another salted-earth echo-chamber segment of the internets filled with animated gifs, stupid memes, thoughtless rabble-rousing, and, of course, the event horizon of smugcuntery that is the land of Social Justice Warriors. This handy guide will help you discern exactly what these chuckleheads are saying and, more importantly, what they really mean.

Of course, the thing with Tumblr is that in reality, these things all have different meanings and actually might have a point. Not on Tumblr, where everything is an epithet, pretty much. Yeah.

• 4chan - An online den of depravity and iniquity. Sort of in many ways, Tumblr's dark mirror. Denizens of both are equally annoying and childish and trollish, however 4chan users don't indulge in the hypocrisy of thinking they're making the world a better place when they dox someone they don't like. I have seen members of the Tumblr Zone say that if their partner is found on here or Reddit (qv.) they will dump them immediately.
• Ableism - In normal parlance, discriminating against someone based on their disability. This is also the case in Tumblr Speak. But to an SJW, everything is ableist. Call someone an idiot? YOU'RE OPPRESSING THICKIES! I think you get the idea.
• Ace - Short for asexual. There's an awful lot of these on Tumblr who are disproportionately loud-mouthed, and constantly bellyaching about how they're erased (qv.) in popular culture, which is problematic (qv.)
• Bloodmouth - A person who eats meat. Also what I'm going to call the heavy metal band I am now going to form after some vegan piss-whistle shouted it at me on a bus in Islington while I was eating a big bacon sarnie.
• Body Policing - Calling someone fat, as an insult. Or skinny, for the same reasons. Or average sized, for any reason. Or short. Or tall. Actually, describing anyone's physical proportions in any way is probably body policing. And that's terrible.
• Carnist - See bloodmouth (qv.) Seems to be an attempt to associate meat-eating with actual prohibited discrimination by making "carnism" sound like "sexism" or "racism." Some other Tumblrites try to turn it into a whole system of oppression (qv.) because nobody knows any better until shown the light by vegans. They also have privilege (qv.) which is probably true, actually; I for one have a crippling case of Not Being A Sanctimonious Smugcunt Privilege which means I get taken seriously in general.
• Cishet - Heterosexual folks who identify with the gender they were born as. The lowest form of life on earth.
• Corpse Chewer - Yet another vegan effort to find a slur for meat eaters. This one is even more fucking metal than bloodmouth (qv.) and carnist (qv.)
• Cultural Appropriation - Daring to like something that is associated with people not of your background. For instance, being white and liking hip hop is culturally appropriating POCs (qv.) and eating a Burmese curry while not being Burmese is culturally appropriating Burmese folks. However, it's not cultural appropriation for a Hispanic person to like heavy metal, as culturally appropriating folks with more privilege (qv.) than you should be encouraged at all costs and is transgressing (qv.) racial boundaries in an empowering manner. Some Tumblrites even go so far as to say that for a white person to learn a non-European language is cultural appropriation. To this I can only say kuso kurai, kusottare!
• Cultural Imperialism - Daring to criticise a cultural practice not of your culture, even when it's self-evidently unpleasant, unjust, or oppressive. Speaking out against FGM is cultural imperialism. Yes, I am aware in real life this means something totally different, but this is the Tumblr Zone, remember?
• Cumskin - Utterly hilarious racial epithet for white folks. Sorry, but it sounds like an extreme bukkake stick vid. You know you fail at racism when your slurs cause amusement rather than anger. I can't actually say it without snorting.
• Datemate - Sickly gender-inclusive term for boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. What's wrong with "partner" I know not. But listen to it! Datemates! That's so cutesy I want to puke rainbows!
• Demisexual - Someone who is only sexually attracted to people they are in relationships with. Otherwise known as "becoming emotionally mature." When I was a student I'd happily have (and did, quite frankly) put my penis in anything that was willing (apart from Katie Price, of course) but that was 10 years ago, and now that sort of thing makes me feel a bit dirty and I would rather some sort of relationship. Does this make me demisexual? Either way, there is no reference to this in any serious publication that I've found and apparently the term was made up by a girl on a role-playing forum in 2005. However there are a fajillion SJWs who are ready to call down the vengeance of the mob on anyone who hurts their fee fees (qv.) by saying they're being a sillybugger over this.
• Die Cis Scum - Putative rallying cry for trans activists. Cis people being people who identify with the gender they were born with. For reasons completely defying explanation, this has failed to take off in any way outside of Tumblr, despite being edgy, empowering, and transgressive (qv.) Maybe it's something to do with the fact that people who say it are completely tiresome?
• Dudebro - See fedora wearer (qv.) Started off as a snarl word for men who do macho or stereotypically manly things and are therefore clearly fratboy date-rapists, now applied to any man or woman (suffering from internalised misogyny (qv.), natch) who doesn't agree blindly with your specific batshit interpretation of feminist theory.
• Educate you, it's not my duty to - This means that you're wrong, but the poster can't conjure up a compelling reason, or indeed any reason, why. Often used in response to Citation Needed type objections as a way to mask the fact that the person making the assertion is pulling it out xir (qv.) anus. Also shows just how badly Tumblr fails at activism.
• Enby - Phonetic spelling of "NB" or non-binary. Some Tumblrites get upset when you describe them as a "man" or a "woman" instead of this because they don't believe that the gender binary exists, that it's entirely a social construct, and so forth.
• Erasure - Not including the commenter's subset of oppressive (qv.) circumstances into your discussion of a particular social justice issue. If you ever want to see fur fly, log on to a feminist social justice blog and accuse them of erasing trans folks or throwing women of colour under the bus.
• Fedora wearer - Pejorative term for anyone who is perceived to be in any way, shape, or form associated with the manosphere. Also dudebro (qv.)
• Freebleeder - A person who believes that the use of sanitary products is problematic (qv.) because it reduces the entirely natural sanguine effluence that is menstruation to something that has to be cleaned up or society (read: men) look askance. Actually, this is a 4chan spawned troll movement and isn't actually something that real online feminists are doing. However, a significant number of SJWs were taken in by it, at least for a while. Which tells you all you need to know about social justice warrioring, doesn't it.
• Funfem - Slur deployed against any so-called "feminist" who isn't as radical as you, most likely because they've been brainwashed by The Patriarchy, for whom they are useful idiots, or worse, spies and lackeys of The Patriarchy who are trying to pollute True Feminism. The implication is that they're only claiming to be feminist so they can get on with pleasing their male overlords while being sold feminism as a way of getting to sleep at night. Not a term or idea restricted to Tumblr - Gail Dines, professional liar and author of the anti-pr0n tirade "Pornland," when she's not making shit up about the adult industry, spends her time frothing about these and once described feminist pr0n director Anna Arrowsmith as "the scabs of the feminist movement."
• Grey Asexual - Fuck me if I know. Basically, in the Tumblr Zone the more obscure and undefinable your sexuality, the more feels you will accumulate. I think this is where you have no sexual attraction to anyone other than in certain circumstances or suchlike.
• Hurt Fee Fees - Derived from "hurt feelings." Belittling term for when a person with more privilege than you suffers some sort of injustice or unpleasantness. The implication is that if it happens to someone who's less oppressed (qv.) than you, they kinda deserve it. See also white tears (qv.), Oppression Olympics (qv).
• Internalised Fatphobia - When a person who does not have thin privilege (qv.) loses weight. The act of you losing weight is oppressive (qv.) to fat people and is implicitly fat-shaming (qv.) them, usually by implied body policing (qv.)
• Internalised Misogyny - Women who claim to be feminists but aren't absolutely on board with your psychotically radical form of it. Symptoms of internalised misogyny include not hating men, being heterosexual, getting married, having anything to do with trans folks, and similar. The idea is that because they all secretly hate themselves, they've sold out to the patriarchy. See also funfem (qv.)
• Internalised Transmisogyny - Trans people who don't go in for the exotic pronouns (qv.) and Die Cis Scum (qv.) stuff suffer from this.
• Islam - Monotheistic religion with c. 1.1 billion followers worldwide and multiple strains and schools of thought. Although the Tumblr Zone isn't all that big on monotheistic religion because it is often associated with misogyny, homophobia, authoritarianism and other nastinesses (all of which are reasons I'm not big on monotheistic religion, but that's by the by), Islam gets a bit of a free pass, probably because its followers are seen to be oppressed (qv.) and criticising it is somehow cultural imperialism (qv.) Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia, women are distinctly second class citizens, slavery and authoritarianism runs rampant, and it is a capital offence to be raped. All because God says so. Yet the Tumblr Zone makes no mention of this.
• Kill Yourself - You should actually do this. No, really. Because you're a problematic (qv.) cumskin (qv.) fat-shaming (qv.) shitlord (qv.)
• Kyriarchy - The world around you, which is cis, white, male, privileged, full of STEMlords (qv.), oil-fuelled, neocon-funded, Israeli-armed, and therefore you are too good for this sinful earth. This is one of those words you don't hear outside of Social Justice Warrioring.
• Language Policing - Arguing against something on the basis that it's put in allegedly oppressive (qv.) terms. SJWs do this a lot. Sometimes it can be quite fun to watch them go at it and fall all the way down the rabbit hole as they try to out-un-oppress each other.
• Lego, I hope you step on a - Curse called down on a person who's given you hurt fee fees (qv.) See also Die Cis Scum (qv.) and Kill Yourself (qv.)
• LGBTQQIAP - You can't say LGBT anymore, that's erasure (qv.) of oppressed (qv.) sexual minorities. No, you have to say this, which sounds like the noise a Social Justice Warrior makes when xe (qv.) orgasms. It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, Polyamorous. This has got off the Tumblr Zone and into real life as well.
• Meatspace - A scary place where actions have actual consequences and where nobody cares about your incredibly detailed perceptions of non-binary genders. Also known as real life.
• Non Gender Binary - A concept that gender not only a social construct but also an analogue, as opposed to digital, scale. While this bit has some grounding in reality, in the Tumblr Zone this is only the first few inches of the rabbit hole, as SJWs cockwave (and/or cuntwave, let's be inclusive here) about how they are different genders and even different species upon waking up each morning, and how their every whim not being catered to in minute details is problematic (qv.) and oppressive (qv.)
• Oppression - What a Tumblrite suffers when someone says something problematic (qv.) to them. "He oppressed me by saying I had a fat arse, thus demonstrating he had both male privilege, hetero privilege, binary privilege, and thin privilege (qv.) in his body policing."
• Oppression Olympics - When multiple Social Justice Warriors get together and cockwave about how each of them has less privilege (qv.) than the next. Also, you will be accused of playing this if, say, you object to radical feminists being bigoted to bisexuals and trans folk. Basically, it means that because you are perceived to have more forms of privilege than the poster, you deserve everything that happens to you.
• Otherkin - People who claim to be creatures or animals trapped in human bodies. If you want to cause massive damage to fee fees (qv.) then try asking them why all the otherkin on Tumblr have the souls of cool creatures like wolves or dragons or centaurs, and where are the bot fly-kin or sea slug-kin.
• Owning your shit - Accepting that your intrinsic worth as a person is inversely proportionate to the square of your privilege.
• POC - Particulars of claim. Ooops, sorry, wrong glossary. People of colour. Folks who aren't white.
• Privilege - Legitimate concept in sociology referring to one's general acceptability in society. Being majority ethnic, for instance, grants you more privilege than being in a minority ethnicity. But on Tumblr, it's actually a level of wrongness. Anyone with more privilege than you is automatically wrong and should go step on legos (qv.) Anyone with less privilege than you is just playing Oppression Olympics (qv.)
• Privilege, Check Your - You're wrong because you're (subject ethnicity / gender / sexuality here).
• Problematic - Anything that could possibly be construed, no matter how contrivedly, to possibly be sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, or otherwise upsetting to a certain class of people or bringing about or furthering their oppression (qv.) It's okay for them to like things that are problematic because they have educated themselves (qv.) But for you to like things that is problematic makes you problematic as well. In short, anything worth reading, listening to, watching, or playing, is problematic.
• Reddit - The ultimate online den of iniquity. Anyone or anything associated with Reddit is oppressive (qv.), -ist, -normative, -centric, and, above all, PROBLEMATIC (qv.) Despite the fact that /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill are only two categories on an extremely expansive site, and not even large categories. I myself think that if you can filter out all the fedora wearers (qv.) then you're more likely to find something interesting on Reddit than you are on Tumblr, and the Tumblr Zone is just jealous.
• Sawcsm - Straight, able-bodied, white, cis, sexual, male. Even lower a form of life than a cishet (qv.)
• Shitlord - See also dudebro (qv.), fedora wearer (qv.), etc. I think it comes from the Tumblrite ideal of "owning your shit" and a person who glories in their problematic (qv.) conduct is therefore a lord of shit, hence a shitlord.
• STEMlord - Portmanteau of STEM and shitlord (qv.) A person who studies in or is trained in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. Often likely to be dudebros or misogynists. They are looked down on by Tumblrites. Probably because unlike the social sciences (students of which are overrepresented in Tumblr), you have to be a bit more hard-nosed to deal with these things, it's not a giant hugbox, stuff is either wrong or right, and because e=mc^2 regardless of whether you're a cishet (qv) or a genderfluid non-binary femme-presenting demihomoromantic grey-asexual.
• SWERF - Sex Worker Exclusive Radical Feminism. This is actually a belief that goes back to the Feminist Sex Wars of the 1980s but the term is a Tumblr one. Basically, they believe that all strippers, prostitutes, sex workers, and so forth, regardless of their circumstances and whether they're playing grab-your-ankles round the back of Barnsley Town Hall or whether they charge more per hour than a top QC and are completely independent both financially and otherwise, are exploited and have to be rescued and/or re-educated, usually according to the SWERF's own worldview. Any so-called "tart with a heart" or other sex worker who is independent is really brainwashed by THE PATRIARCHY regardless of their circumstances. Notable SWERFs include professional liar Gail Dines. See also TERF (qv.)
• TERF - Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism. Radical feminists who don't like men, which is a given, but hate trans folks more. Apparently trans women are a giant plot by The Patriarchy to get men who look like women but have cocks still and are thus really men to infiltrate female-only spaces and rape actual women. No, I'm not in Sarcasm Mode. This is what TERFs actually believe. As for trans men, well, they're hated even more because they are women who have betrayed their gender to join The Patriarchy. Not a view that is limited to Tumblr - Janice Raymond and Cathy Brennan are two real life ideologues who believe this. It's enormous fun to try and get TERFs and the Die Cis Scum (qv.) crowd into the same thread and watch the fireworks and counter-accusations of Oppression Olympics (qv.) Use of phrases like "womyn born womyn" and "transwoMEN" is a sign you're in TERF territory.
• Thin Privilege - A form of privilege (qv.) that anyone under a certain weight has. Thin privilege means you can do things like shop at A&F, not die of heart attacks, or fat-shame (qv.) people larger than you. It also means that dogs willingly will play with you, you don't get called names over your proportions, and similar. But don't even think about losing weight, as that's symptomatic of internalised fatphobia (qv.) See also fat-shaming (qv.), fatspo (qv.), pro-ana (qv.), thinspo (qv.)
• Trigger Warning - The post you are about to read contains references to something that may upset you. Usually rape, sexual assault, self-injury, and suchlike but I've seen some rather unusual TWs in my escapades as well. My favourite has to be "tw: food" on a pro-ana (qv.) blog. I myself am triggered by trigger warnings which means OHGODOHGODOHGOD
• Triggers me, that - You just said something oppressive or insensitive that hurt my fee fees (qv.) An attempt at making a rival Social Justice Warrior feel guilty so you can hurl abuse at them. Sort of like how in the playground, little kids sometimes pretend to be hurt so another kid they were brawling with feels bad and gets close to them to help them up, then the "hurt" kid punches them in the testes repeatedly.
• Whiteknight - A man who tries to become a feminist ally (qv.) Curious in that this is one of those terms that's both in the Social Justice Warrior lexicon and the manosphere lexicon. The implication is that men who say they're feminists are just saying that in order to try to pull feminist women. Despised in both communities as well - in SJW for being fair-weather friends and/or plants by The Patriarchy, and in the manosphere for being traitors to their gender.
• White Tears - When an injustice is done to someone with white, male, hetero, or all of the above, privilege (qv.) Because that person has the effrontery to have such privileges, injustices done to them don't count. "What? That guy on the park bench with all his coats on because the local authority can't be bothered to assist him despite having a legal duty towards homeless folks? Who cares, he has white-male privilege, he should go cry his white tears somewhere else." Also male tears, cis tears, etc.
• Womyn - Radfem way of spelling "women" because it doesn't have men in it. Also womon, wimmin, wofem, etc. People who use this term fail linguistics forever.
• Xe, xir, xim - One of a number of proposed neuter pronouns for enby (qv.) folks. Me, I prefer "he or she or it," or, for short, "h'or'sh'it."

You may have thought throughout all this that none of the above definitions are what words actually mean. You would be right. But this is what they mean in the Tumblr Zone. As you can see, it's a pretty sickly state of affairs. Time was when social justice activism meant going out, campaigning, protesting, raising pertinent questions as to injustices within society, going door to door to get petitions signed, staging sit ins, civil disobedience, and so forth. You know, it actually required effort and as such had tangible results. Now so-called Social Justice Warriors sit on their blogs and write bollocks about how awful their life is, like an massively multiplayer online game of soggy biscuit, and wonder why The Forces Of Iniquity seem to be winning all over.

I would go on, but I'd just end up losing my marbles.

(#1)