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I've come across E2 a few weeks ago when my depression was at its worst ever and I was trying to find a sure fatal suicide method. I'm still pretty much struggling with it, but what I wanted to mention here is that a lot of times I get this feeling of self hatred and I just feel like hurting myself. I would just snap out of nowhere and start beating myself up, smashing my head against the wall and that sort of things. After a while, I would get back to my senses a little bit (to some point at least) and check the damage I'd made and the bruises I'd got and it'd scare me. I'm afraid that one of those days I will actually finish the job or so to say.

The other day I was going through one of those days when I saw the sign my dorm's RA had put in the hallway. It carried the names of everyone on the floor and I'd always hated seeing my name there and just wanted to erase it or whatever. I didn't wanna exist at all. So, that day, as I was coming out of my room, I saw my name up there or more precisely hated seeing my name up there again. So, I went to the kitchen, got a knife and started cropping my name out. After I did so, I started scratching and mutilating it and then stabbing it with a fork before throwing it (with the fork still stuck to it) in the trash. It made me feel a bit better and later after I calmed down a little, I realized that hurting a piece of paper that's carrying a name on it is much better than hurting the body of the person carrying the name. I realized that I could do that the next time I felt like hurting myself. I can just write down my name on a piece of paper and then stab it with a fork. I also realize it's not a solution to the real problem, but at least it might prevent me (and others like me) from making it a worse problem.

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