i feel empty, but not as if i have been
cleansed, i do not feel
pure. empty, as in
alone. i stare
blankly, my mind resting on familiar things, not necessarilty things which
make sense, but which my mind locks onto out of desparation. for some reason I want to go to keene, nh. i don't know why, though it holds many
hopeful and
depressing memories, it is also the town of no conclusion, nothing was ever resolved there. that is
familiar.
perhaps the urge is to continue west, past keene, towards higher mountains. mountains where I spent a
long time, a
long time. a time i didn't know what to do with, as the universe swirled around me. at least there were
resolutions there. and people there, people that i
feel closest to now.
do you ever
fear that at some point you will realize that you are not the
moral person you though you were ? that all along you thought you were nice, friendly,
generous and
kind, but really you were cold, lecherous, mean and
dishonest ? perhaps I am afraid to think these things about myself, but what if they are true. where does the self lie ? in ones conception of it ? in others conception of it? in it's actions ? what about the reasons for those actions ? those people I feel close to, they cannot help me now,
they cannot hold me. either i won't ask them, or it is physically impossible. at least the
weather matches my mood, it is worse when the universe is disgustingly cheerful around you when you try to be hopeless. i guess i'll just try to work,
java cares not for my vicissitudes.