So there's this guy, and the problem is he has the power to fire me. We get along pretty well for the most part, but that is largely because I keep my mouth shut, probably to an extent that most people don't realize since I have plenty to say. The company hired me because they felt that they had a need, and this is true, however, the way that things are being done now is incredibly inefficient, old school, and redundant, it is not an exaggeration to say that better systems and processes could save, and make us millions, but I am not going to be a very popular person if I waltz into someone's office, and expose our weak underbelly. Like a lot of life, I'm probably worrying needlessly, difficult conversations can be had, there are ways forward I am not exploring at the time because I'm so wrapped up in my own emotional states, this is why I write, to get things out, to give them a place to go, so I can mentally place them in a different compartment, and break the thought loops that consume me if I let them (and sometimes I don't even realize that this is what is going on at the time, but that's a separate issue).
The company I work for deserves better, the people I work with need this, and so do I. Tomorrow morning I am going to do some training with a woman from another department, and I'm debating the wisdom of opening up to her. Sometimes I really like her, today there was a bad thunderstorm, and I jokingly asked at what point we should start building an ark. She gave me a look, and said she would take one of the sales guys, and it took me a minute to see where she was going, all the animals had been paired, and that was the partner of her choice. I laughed, and said I would take the UPS guy who was also hanging out in the back of the shop with the rest of us. She gave me a free t-shirt one day when we were moving furniture, and I was inappropriately over dressed for that undertaking, but there are also times when she rubs me the wrong way, such as her comment about me taking the t-shirt off, and putting my warmer clothes back on again once I had cooled off. I tend to be sensitive to that type of thing, but really, why does she care what I am wearing? I didn't ask for the shirt, she gave it to me, and I am grateful, but that exchange took something out of the gift.
In other news, I am still listening to; 'The Power of Habit', and I am trying to wrap my head around all the implications it has for my life. Today's chapters talked about cravings, if you can tap into what you are craving, you have an insight into your habit. This can be applied to almost any area of life, and I thought for a moment about what most of the men I liked have in common. After some heavy duty thinking; I decided that I am craving the familiarity of inconsistent validation, and affirmation, I'm trying to decide if this is close enough to emotional unavailability that I can lump these together, or that deserves its own separate category. It was never enough just to be me. I had to do more, try harder, to this day I know that I am loved on some metaphysical level, but it rarely shows up in ways that are meaningful to me. I want someone to love me the way that I try to love other people, but this doesn't work so well in real life, because other people are not mind readers, and I am not used to being loved, or having safe intimate relationships. I'm perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop, and this feeling doesn't go away.
An article I read said that we try to recreate experiences we had with our early primary caregivers so we get some sort of resolution, and very few people want to go out with anyone who is attracted to them because they remind you of a parent that you had a chaotic, and unhealthy relationship with as a child, and maybe even as an adult. The truth is I am probably not really ready for a relationship as much as I would like one. I have issues, and unless I work on these things, they're going to accompany me anywhere I go. This feels like a breakthrough, but not a very pleasant one. It's very difficult to look at my past, and even my present self, and not like what I am seeing. There are plenty of good things about me, but I have to address these core insecurities, and that is a daunting task that I do not feel up to tackling. I'm not even sure where to start, or I would have done this by now. What I have tried is getting rid of a lot of things, I do not enjoy being controlled, and if certain things remind me of people I no longer want to be thinking about, then that object has to go regardless of what it is, how much I spent on it, the other day I launched a trash bag into our dumpster outside, and part of me is appalled I didn't drop it off at my local Goodwill.
Things seem contaminated to me if I associate them with an experience, and I will do just about anything to avoid that because I am so determined to become a different person, not in the sense that who I am will change, but the Jessica that was always there will be able to emerge, and she will feel great about who she is, why she is here, and problems of the past will become more tolerable, and easier to manage. The book talks about how many people in AA give credit to God, and I want to do that too, but right now, God seems far away. I have had to learn many lessons the hard way, probably because I wouldn't listen when others tried to tell me things I shouldn't needed to have been told. I created some really bad, very destructive habits, and it's frustrating to hear people dismiss them casually since they think what I am talking about is not that big of a deal, only I know that it is. It reminds me of taking my children in to the pediatrician, and years later finding out that most of us have celiac disease, and some mental health issues. I was right, I just didn't know how to isolate what was wrong, and there were times when I was wrong, but that's a different level of personal frustration.
It's strange; going from a job that had unrealically high expectations, and near constant tension and criticism to a job that has extremely low expectations, and a generally good, reasonably healthy work dynamic. I don't want to be who I am, but I'm also not going to change much either. Sure I can do some things to improve my situation, get out of debt for instance. I went for a longer jog this morning, and that felt good. I fired my personal trainer, and blocked the card that the gym uses to charge my sessions in case they decide to be cute about my money, and I told my new church that I did not feel comfortable supplying a photo for their board that displays pictures of new members. I felt pretty lousy about this, part of me thinks, it's a stupid picture, send one in and be done with it. The other part of me feels so controlled and can't get past memories of being forced into situations I did not want to participate in, but did so to try and keep the peace. The problem with compromising oneself is it never works. Those people I am trying to please aren't really happy with the sacrifices I made, furthermore me caving makes me a target for even worse treatment. Today I made a list of lessons I am trying to learn. I decided if a friend was going through what I am, this is what I would tell that person. Hopefully this helps.
There's so much more on my mind, but I'm going to try and relax for a while before I go to bed. I have the weekend off from both jobs, and I am really looking forward to that too. Things are going well, much better than I could have predicted, or anticipated, I get things done, and I probably severely underestimated my capacity for ruthless efficiency, streamlined processes, and insane productivity. I'm so used to being overworked that being underworked seems like a grave disservice. It preys on deep fears I have about being let go because they decided that they really don't need me after all, and I could actually make a really convincing case for this while at the same time explaining that I am the person they do need since I can clear out so much of the backlog that we have currently. My phone is still not set up, and I would like to be making calls, meeting with this woman tomorrow seems like it could be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow since she is buried in work, and I'm sitting there twiddling my thumbs figuratively even if I haven't gotten to that point literally. The silver lining is there, I'm just struggling to see things from a fresh perspective. They're happy to have me, and I'm happy to be there, I need to relax, chill out, accept what is, and trust God to see me through the boredom.
Until next time,
jessica