June 18, 2010

Yowza. So many things all at once. Paperwork screwups, threats, isolation and my own thrice-cursed tendency to assume the most pessimum interpretation of anything anyone says to me. Bah humbug.

I've been wrestling with quasi-inexplicable self-loathing the last few months. I know it's irrational. I know bloody well it is, but I can't dispel the idea. Someone criticizes me for the slightest thing and I start feeling like I'm worthless for having made the mistake in the first place. Goddess help me, I even entertained ideas of self-harm. Damn it, why does it get to this point? I don't deserve to have my shin clamped in a vice and cranked down until the bones snap. Nobody deserves that. So why the fuck can't I convince the damned emotional part of my brain of that?

Fuck! I just need to get back home, that's what. Then I can get help. Out here, I'm alone in a crowd. 250 people and I'm alone. Go fucking figure.

I know, this is a bunch of emo-kid shit. Fine. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. I have to vent or I'll internalize it, and well, I think that's the problem, now, innit?

beneath the sidewalk,
hear the machines whispering?
always whispering.

(scribbled to the tunes of Antennas to Heaven on a pretentious Friday afternoon)

I've been alive 8,884 days. That's about 213,216 hours. That's about 25 million heartbeats.

By the time I hit 50 million heartbeats, I'll be dead (or in my 90's). That's a lot of heartbeats.

I just filled out my FAFSA. Fifteen minutes. It's so much easier when you're 24.

Here's the plan: take pre-requisite courses for a year, non-degree seeking. Get that shit out of the way quick. Be in nursing school next year. Take my licensing exams a year and a half later. I'll figure out the rest when I get there. I've already proven my intellectual chops once, honors with thesis. I had fun playing Cincinnatus in the fields, but after a while, I found the soil sandy and full of weeds.

Damn, it feels good to have long-term goals again, goals based on decision-making that doesn't involve me asking myself, "Which option sucks less?"