Yesterday I worked for four hours. I was busy without being particularly productive. There was an anxiety about my movements that didn't go away when I left for the day. After work I drove to the mall to figure out what was going on with the sandals that I had ordered. I'm not sure why, but my order was canceled without explanation. Easy come, but I think, easy go. I had fun at the shoe store. The people I spoke with are sales people and I've really missed that kind of energy, passion, and focus. I'm still contemplating my next career move, but before I get to that, if I do since I'm writing this before work, I want to reflect on the people I've met recently. Tinder, like any collection of people, fascinates me. Saturday I went out with someone whose ego was fragile. Sunday I spent too long with someone I can talk to, and listens, but I'm not particularly attracted to, the other day I had an intense conversation with someone who was able to retire at 32 due to what he calls dumb luck.
Last night I went out with someone I wasn't sure about. I was going to swipe left until I saw that he watched a lot of baseball. I've learned that while many people consider themselves sports fans, they seem reluctant to share that part of their lives with me. We exchanged comments, I explained that baseball was the magic word as far as I was concerned, he told me that he had swiped right because my food pictures looked good. I was largely ambivalent about him, he was intriguing, he gave me his number, I gave him mine, and we sent a couple text messages back and forth. I didn't really think about him until late afternoon when he sent me a message telling me that he hoped I was having a good day. One of the things that changed my mind about him was what happened after I told him that my job wasn't going well. He said he would give me a hug if he was there. He sounded sincere and I appreciated that.
The other two tires I needed were in so I drove out to have them mounted. After that I asked him if I had time to get my nails done. He said that I did, we didn't have a particular date and time confirmed, we had agreed to meet so at first I didn't worry when I was finished before he was. Time passed. I was sleepy, it was cold, and I was glad I had worn multiple layers. More time went by and I started to get annoyed. Finally I was worried. Rather than bother him I talked to a couple of my friends because I've decided that if someone stands me up, I'm going to move on and let them be since they weren't the person for me. After what seemed like an inordinate amount of time he sent me a text letting me know he had car trouble. I asked if everything was okay, he said it was. I told him we didn't have to meet, he said that we could, and I said I wouldn't hold it against him if he wasn't in the mood because I doubted I would be if the roles were reversed.
A friend of mine told me that his bullshit meter had been tripped. He has good instincts, but I replied that as long as the communication was there, I would accept car trouble as a valid reason for being extremely late. We did eventually meet in person, I tried giving him a hug, it didn't seem as if he was in a very good mood, so then I was leery about how things would go. We had tossed around a couple of ideas, but since I don't really go out to eat, and neither of us wanted anything other than water to drink, going to a bar seemed pointless. I suggested a drive and said we could take my car. He was okay with this, I think he was nervous, especially at first, but he didn't say anything about it even when I was distracted and could have been driving more carefully. Since I was nervous I kept up a steady stream of conversation and as a consequence didn't learn much about him. One night's not enough.
I may have mentioned the article; How To Fall In Love With A Nice Person, I'm going to go back and read that again. This time I will be armed with more information, but I doubt this will be any less confusing. Sometimes I don't know myself as well as I think. There's something about him that I'm attracted to, I see red flags, and find myself wanting to ignore them. He has a sincerity about him that I like. He seems to understand that I have emotions and can handle that. He thinks I'm sexy, and I thought it was sweet when he asked me what he should wear after I sent him a text asking if he would prefer to see me in blue and yellow, his favorite colors, or black and white stripes. It has been a while since I dealt with the kind of tension that simmers and smolders. The look in his eyes told me more than the few words he spoke. He asked if he could change the channel and we listened to the game as it traveled across the airwaves. I said something about Josh Hader and then remembered that he was a reliever rather than a starter. He made me nervous, I couldn't get a good read on him.
The night went on and we found ourselves standing next to each other. He gave me a hug, it felt as if he wanted to kiss me, but he kept it simple. I've been hugged many times over the course of my life. He hugged me the way I needed to be hugged. As if he was trying to tell me; hey, I know that things at work are less than ideal, and you have things going on with your children, but just take a moment to appreciate this moment. There was a lot of electricity running between us, he told me I was really short and I pretended to get angry with him. His hair is dark, I'm not sure exactly what color his eyes are, at different times they were blue, and then had more green in them. He works outside so his skin is deeply tanned. He didn't want anything to eat or drink, I felt myself getting light headed, I hadn't eaten much earlier and that caught up with me when I was with him. Fortunately he seemed to understand that I was having a moment and waited patiently while I found some snacks.
I wanted to kiss him, and I really wanted him to kiss me. We sat next to each other, it was intimate, cozy, but not completely sexual, he has a way of reading the situation and responding appropriately when I sensed that he would rather things be different and I found that intriguing. He was wearing a black hat, I asked if he always wore his hair that short and he said that he did. When he left I asked him to let me know when he arrived back at home, he said that he would, but never did. I sent him a text letting him know that I had fun with him, and haven't heard from him since. I think he's going through a lot, and I just added to the pile, but not in a wholly unpleasant way. I require an emotional connection, he gave that to me. At one point I told him I was going to start crying, he said that I wasn't, but I think he would have dealt with it had it actually led to real tears.
We were both tired, he more so than myself I suspect. I didn't want to let him go, I don't think he wanted to leave, but we knew that today was another work day for both of us. He was a curious combination of advance and retreat. He kept me off balance, I have no idea if that was his intent or he did that purposely, it was confusing, I doubt either of us expected things to go as well as they did, so now I'm trying to figure out what happens next. He's not a problem solver in so far as he never tried to give me advice or tell me what to do. He made it clear that he found certain attributes of mine eye pleasing and I reciprocated to the best of my ability. He's very masculine, but has a softer side too. Nothing he said or did was scary, intimidating, or upsetting. On the way back to his car I shared some of what was on my mind. I don't feel like he is a game player, but of course I've been wrong before.
I don't know what to do about a lot of things, I tend to overthink, last night I did a lot of feeling, it was wonderful. I told a friend that romantic relationships need things to go well in the bedroom, it isn't the most important thing necessarily, but it's important that both parties get intimacy and sexual needs met. I felt like we had the best of both worlds, the ability to lean into each other, giving while we were taking, things got hot, cooled down, and then heated back up again. I have really missed that aspect of dating. Last night felt magnetic in the sense that no matter how hard you try, the opposite poles will connect and grab at each other while similar poles will repulse an advance. He made me feel really good about myself and I think I built up his ego to a certain extent. One of the hottest things he did was take a rollerball and glide it on the underside of his wrist. I had mentioned that he smelled good, he said that I did, and picked up that yellow bottle without hesitation. Why?
This morning I received a text from a guy who couldn't sleep and went to the casino. That kind of bothered me for reasons that are complicated. He is the raving intellectual and we had fun bantering, but he seems unable to read me emotionally, and that's tough. He's interesting to talk to, but I need someone who knows or senses how I am feeling at times when I may not know myself. I'm fine with people who are aggressive, but I also need them to be able to figure out when I'm not as into it as they are. The word play was fun, but I didn't feel in any danger of losing control. The mental connection was there, but without that emotional component, the interaction wasn't nearly as satisfying. I get the feeling that he's territorial and somewhat predatory. He's animalistic in nature without having those higher level feeling conversations, it's probably not going anywhere, and I'm okay with that. He's not in it for the long term, or at least that's my hunch.
I guess writing about what job to take next will have to wait. Perhaps this was more important to me today. Going in to work anticipating a conversation with someone I've been working with for a while. There are things about my job that I like, but it's not fundamentally getting better and I'm so tired of other people standing in my way rather than trying a more collaborative approach. The shoe store seems like a slam dunk. Immediate success in a field that I know well. The passion and energy are there, but the money needs to be too. I want a fun job and I don't have one right now. Last night was a seriously fun date. Nothing really happened, we drove around for a while, and that was pretty much it, but the sparks were flying, and I got a couple of unexpected smiles and compliments from him. He's deep. He may not be a stark raving intellectual, but he's not an idiot either. He seems to get me and that's powerful. I would like to hear from him, but I'm not going to chase people anymore. He knows how to reach me. Whatever will be, will be.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. This is so crazy, but in a mostly really great way and I'm ecstatic that I put in the work that I did if these are my rewards.
j