The other day I picked up a copy of Women Who Love Too Much. While the author, Robin Norwood, did not write this book for me, that's the feeling I get when I'm reading it. As she goes through woman after woman and situation after situation, I see shades of myself in each of the case studies. Normally I am quick to urge others to read books that are of interest to me, in this case, I offer a word of caution, you need to be ready to read this book. Whether I am or not remains to be seen, I read to page 112 after flipping ahead to the recovery chapter and I'm glad I did. Some time ago my therapist had given me the names and numbers of people she thought may be able to help me and my family. I see the same patterns and roles being played out in my own children and it distressed me. I've had these cards for over a month, but a niggling voice at the back of my head prevented me from taking action. Today I picked up the phone and left messages.
Step one is - Go For Help. That's what the calls are, literal calls for help. I have received so much conflicting advice about what to do that I've done nothing. I'm scared that the therapists will ignore my pleas as they have in the past, I'm afraid that they will once again tell me that things aren't as bad as I think that they are, and I'm afraid that me and my children will go through another round of seeing professionals and not really get anywhere. I'm also scared that they will yell at me for not bringing my children in sooner. I'm terrified that we may be past help and my children will reject professional help as they have done when I tried this in the past. The truth is that any, all, or none of these things can happen, but that doesn't imply that I have failed as a mother and perhaps that's the lesson I need most. We have been conditioned to put the wants and needs of others ahead of our own and now it's nearly impossible for us to take care of ourselves in healthy ways.
I'm torn about the move. Again I can see both sides. I think a larger apartment would help me and the girls. If I had all the money in the world I would get a place where we also had our own bathrooms and closets, but this is a step in the right directions and I'm envisioning two possibilities that respresent my black and white extremes of thinking. One part of my brain has a cascading list of ills that will befall us should I choose to sign on the dotted line. I will get sick, I will hate my job, or they will hate me. I will be out of work and spiral into an even deeper depression. Moving will not really address what is wrong with us and will add an extra financial burden to our pile of woes. On the flip side I'm picturing some sort of zen nirvana state where my children become more responsible and pick up after themselves. We'll eat meals as a family, it will be beautifully decorated, peace will reign forever, you get the idea.
I'm worried that I'm leaving the devil I know for one that I don't. I'm concerned that I'm taking this job for the wrong reasons and my health will fail as I struggle with the demands placed upon me by others and myself. What I need is some balance in my life. It is entirely possible that neither the absolute best, nor the worst will materialize, but there will be ups and downs that we will weather to the best of our ability. Action triumphs catastrophic thinking. It doesn't really matter which path I choose, move, or stay, what matters is that I realize the future is always filled with uncertainty, and there is no way to predict what would or could have happened had we chosen an alternative path. I want to move. I think it will be good for our family, but moving is a stress filled event and so is starting a new job. Is combining these two a smart idea, or not so much?
Reasons to Stay:
- Known environment
- Less expensive
- Has worked for one year
- Avoids stress of moving
- Maintains stability
Reasons to Move:
- More room
- Possibility of decreased stress
- Increased privacy
- Excitement of a fresh start
- Change to decorate a new place
Fears Related to Staying:
- Living on top of each other is stressful
- Clutter will increase
- Feels close and claustrophobic
- Will always wonder, what if we had moved
- Financial hardship regardless of efforts to keep expenses down
Fears Related to Moving:
- Illness/fatigue/stress of moving
- Increased expenses
- We move and nothing really changes anyways
- Financial hardship/pressure
- Criticisms of family and others
Ways to Counter Negative Thinking:
- We have moved before with less notice and help
- Every time we moved we have gained a higher standard of living
- Financial hardship can befall anyone at anytime
- We have worked hard and have been approved by the complex
- No matter what happens, we will be okay
- Fears of decisions are worse than the decisions themselves
- People will be critical regardless
- There are ways we can meet our needs at both places
- The bottom line is we have a roof over our heads no matter what we choose
- Beating yourself up for decisions never really helps anyways
The girls are coming over tonight and I'm in a flurry of thoughts. I've already discussed the possibility of moving with them and haven't received a strong response either way. We moved on a regular basis when I was a child, usually to a place we didn't want to be going although there were times when we leveled up so to speak. I can go back through each place and marvel at how we survived cramped, overcrowded conditions, I'm sure that's why I crave wide open, sparsely decorated spaces as an adult. I want a two bedroom apartment with next to nothing in it so I can escape that tight suffocating feeling that accompanies places where there is too much furniture, too many decorations, too many people, ill chosen patterns, possessions, the oppressive pervasive tension, a home where nothing you do is right, you're scrambling, fighting disorder, chaos, yelling, screaming, disturbances in the moods and energy flow that you can't explain and don't know how to escape. The new place feels like a solution to that.
I will feel better just having that space, it feels safer and more tranquil. Fear of staying, fear of moving, should I stay or should I go? Whatever happens, I know I will choose well.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. It's funny how emotions can cloud your thinking. I didn't go to work today and I think getting some rest was the right call. I know how to take care of others, can I flip that around and start taking better care of myself? Absolutely.
j