The King of All Cosmos is a character in the quirky sleeper-hit Katamari Damacy. The protagonist of the game, The Prince is, naturally, His son. The King is the driving force in the game’s back-story, having accidentally destroyed all of the stars in the sky and compelling His half-pint son to create replacements out of the Earth’s detritus. He also happens to be one of the most insane video game characters ever imagined.
I hardly know where to begin in describing His Cosmic Highness. In His full corporeal form, He towers over the Earth, striking a very Run-DMC-like pose. However, He often appears as a disembodied head, or as a purple amoeba with His face, when visiting the Prince while on Earth. The King has incredible style: He wears a flower-print cape, blue and purple tights, and some sort of Victorian neck ruffle/clown collar. His head is shaped like an extremely ornate cylindrical sham pillow festooned with flashing LEDs. His face is a stony gray masque with a ridiculously triangular orange nose, under which a pointy, upturned moustache resides. All in all, He looks like a combination of Galactus, Francisco Pizarro, a moai, and a JVC Ka-Boom Box.
Clearly, this King likes to get down from time to time. He’s cosmically pimped-out with scads of rings, a magnetic therapy bracelet, a big gold chain underneath the neck ruffle, and a championship belt around His waist. His skin-tight blue lycra shirt shows off the royal six-pack, and His purple tights leave little to the imagination. In the opening sequence, He can be seen jamming on his white acoustic guitar, and rolling up to a Mushroom Castle in His convertible with His very muscular wife in tow. When the King speaks, our mortal ears can only hear the sound of turntable scratching.
Oh, when the King speaks. The King’s dialogue is the keystone that holds the bizarre universe of Katamari Damacy together so perfectly. Starting with His use of the royal “We,” His attitude is exactly what one would expect from the God-King a world where skyscrapers, airports, and icebergs are indiscriminately rolled up into balls by a tiny green alien. He is simultaneously capricious, hubristic, magnanimous, haughty, disaffected, hard to please, and easily amused. He pelts His princely son with diminutives about his diminutiveness and casually throws away his Royal Presents, only to shower the Prince with affection (written with cute pink hearts) when he compiles another katamari or retrieves one of his Father’s wayward gifts.
But perhaps we should let Him speak for Himself. The following is the King of All Cosmos’ explanation of the predicament His hedonistic celestial reveling has caused:
No...It was indeed not a dream. We really did it. The King of All Cosmos has really done it. A sky full of stars...We broke it. Yes, We were naughty. Completely naughty. So, so very sorry. But just between you and us, it felt quite good. Not that We can remember very clearly, but We were in all nature's embrace. We felt the beauty of all things and felt love for all. That's how it was. Did you see? We smiled a genuine smile. Did you see? The stars splintering in perfect beauty. So many there used to be. Almost a nuisance. Now there's nothing but darkness. Hee...'Tis but a dream...Hee...But a beautiful one. B*U*T that miraculous fabulous moment has passed, it's over. We came to and found everyone furious. Even the King of All Cosmos was not spared their wrath. Really, everybody was irate. So anyway, pee-wee Prince. Hurry up and bring back the glorious starry sky. Our problem, your problem. Yes? You owe us your existence. We collect on the debt. Yes? Hand in hand, always there. Yes? The very definition of the father and son bond. Yes? All right then get creating.
Were he alive today, William Shakespeare would throw down his pen and renounce the written word altogether, realizing that he could never hope to match the lyrical poetry that flows from the King of All Cosmos’ mouth. Speaking of the royal mouth, the King also occasionally vomits a magical rainbow that teleports you back to your home planet.
And He claims His “royal thing” is bigger than Russia.
Does this guy know how to party, or what? For the most part, they really don’t make titanic deities like they used to, but there is no doubt in my mind that the King of All Cosmos could hang with Zeus (or at least Bacchus). Of all of the fictional gods out there, I think I would be most pleased to find the King of All Cosmos smiling down upon me when my time is up. With the possible exception of Morgan Freeman.